The Body Image Revolution

When Divorce Is the Beginning, Not the End With Leah Reback

• Rebecca Sigala • Season 1 • Episode 65

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In this episode, I sit down with my incredible client Leah, who came to me for a boudoir experience shortly after her divorce. We talk about what life was like inside a marriage where she never felt enough, the decision to leave a second marriage, and how choosing herself became the beginning of everything.

This is a powerful conversation about self-worth, healing, reclaiming your body and voice, and taking up space - even when it’s hard, even when self-doubt creeps in. Leah’s journey is raw, inspiring, and a reminder that you don’t need anyone else’s permission to become unstoppable.

If you’re moving through divorce or simply finding your way back to yourself, this episode will remind you of what’s possible.

I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalastudio

Rebecca:

Hello. Hello. Welcome to The Body Image Revolution. If you are new here. Hey babe. I'm Rebecca Sigala. I'm a body confidence coach and fine art boudoir photographer. For the past 12 years, I have been on a mission to help every single woman that I can feel amazing. In and about their bodies without needing to change them or fit some stupid ass standard just to feel like they're enough. We're gonna be talking about that today because I have an incredible guest who's sharing her story, my client, Leah, and I just truly feel. So blessed to have such amazing clients who I feel this soul level of connection with. Leah reached out to me shortly after she had separated from her husband, and she was in a darker moment at the time. But even looking back, I really saw how much light and hope she had. For not only coming back to herself, but truly creating a new life for herself, a new identity, a completely new way of seeing herself. And we talk about all of that and it's just so inspiring. This conversation was. So good. Leah is so real, and I know that she opened up because she truly hopes that this episode reaches the women who need to hear it. If you're leaving a marriage or a relationship, or even just a toxic situation that no longer serves you, this episode is going to remind you of all the fucking possibilities. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to pass it along to your friends who need to hear it too. Your hair looks amazing. Leah,

Leah:

Hmm.

Rebecca:

What have you been doing? Just being you.

Leah:

Not like just trying to be my best self. Like I know that if there's work and there's like school and this and that and all those important and grownup stuff, but I also make an effort to make time for me. And I did my nails this, and I went over like my makeup drawer and I'm like this, I want this, I want this. I don't want,

Rebecca:

Oh.

Leah:

and just like organizing stuff, organizing. Me and my life and my house and just organizing.

Rebecca:

and I think people don't even realize what a big deal that is. It's not just Right, it's not doing the things for external validation or for other people to see you a certain way. Especially after going through this journey that we've been through together, it's literally doing this from a place of self-love of worthiness, of knowing that you are deserving of feeling good and expressing yourself and your sexuality in a whole new way. And then that changes the whole thing.'cause you could like organize your shit from a place of shame. Like, I'm lazy, I'm this, I'm that. I need everything to be better. I need to be better. Or like do it from a place of love. Right.

Leah:

exactly. 100%. So for the last week, this is, this is gonna be like a confession right now that nobody else knows. But, um, for the, for the last

Rebecca:

Ooh.

Leah:

I, I, I emptied my closet and 85% of my closet is on my bed because I am going over everything. And this makes me feel good. This doesn't make me feel good. This fits me, this doesn't fit me, this used to fit me and I'm probably never gonna fit in it again. And that's okay. I don't need to hold onto it anymore. Time to like chuck everything and, well not everything, but like what needs to be chucked and I,

Rebecca:

Right.

Leah:

and.

Rebecca:

serves you.

Leah:

Exactly like I don't, there's nothing to gain. There's no benefit in keeping a dress that I used to fit in. And if once I used to look at that dress and like hoping I'll fit into it again, then now when I look at the dress, I'm like, I don't need that dress. Like I don't need to fit into that dress. Which is

Rebecca:

That's amazing.

Leah:

look at things.

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

And yeah,

Rebecca:

a hundred percent.

Leah:

is that I'm been sleeping in the living room for the past week, but nevermind

Rebecca:

In service of your higher self, your future version of yourself.

Leah:

like, like down slope to go, like higher, but that, that's, it's

Rebecca:

It doesn't sound like a down slope for me.

Leah:

for a bigger upgrade, let's just say that. But my couch

Rebecca:

Amazing. Okay. Well now people know a little bit about where you're at right now and how you're just literally creating this version of yourself that has already always been inside of you and you're just starting to express yourself and your style and like just figure shit out. But what makes me so proud and excited is hearing you now versus where you were when we first began working together last year. And I would love for people to get to know you because you're just so freaking cool and I've had such an amazing time working with you, and I feel like every time we talk is like a podcast episode. I'm like, wait, why isn't this being recorded right now?

Leah:

No. What, no one ever told

Rebecca:

So,

Leah:

a huge compliment that whenever we have a

Rebecca:

Aw,

Leah:

with you, this is a podcast material. I'm like, okay, cool.

Rebecca:

totally.

Leah:

I'm podcast material.

Rebecca:

Oh my gosh. Totally. A hundred percent. And,

Leah:

I am. Let's, let's

Rebecca:

but hey, I'll accept a compliment. Compliments are nice.

Leah:

exactly. I am, I am accepting Right At this point in my life, I'm accepting compliments. Yes.

Rebecca:

Yes. Okay. We, we gotta get to that'cause that actually is a really good story as well. But First of all, who are you? Like, okay, Leah, you live in Jerusalem? How old are you? What? What? Lights you up?

Leah:

Okay. Oh, it's one of those, uh, so y'all know my name is Leah and the case sounded like I'm

Rebecca:

Yes.

Leah:

I'm not from Texas. I'm originally from New York and I've been living in Jerusalem for the past 10 years. My center of my life is, is here, my family's here, and my previous life is here too. And dealing with that is challenging. I'll explain in a second what I mean. And it's one of the main reasons why I pushed myself along with like a big kick in the butt from you, to, to, to go on this

Rebecca:

I'm good at that.

Leah:

yeah, yeah, yeah. We all need a kick in the butt sometimes. We all need one. I'm just trying to like use cleaner language.'cause otherwise I would swear, you

Rebecca:

No, by the way, I don't know if you've listened to my podcast, but there's an E next to it, so feel free to curse.

Leah:

Great. Okay, so, so now that we know that I can use the word that I actually wanted to use a

Rebecca:

Yes.

Leah:

kick in the ass and I think that what I mainly gained and. I'm gonna say it's like a prize I won almost from this, work together and journey

Rebecca:

Hmm

Leah:

is finally, finally, finally, after about 10 years of bad relationships with significant others and the people around me and

Rebecca:

mm-hmm.

Leah:

I am, um,

Rebecca:

It all goes together, right?

Leah:

in a place that I can say, you know what? I come first and

Rebecca:

Are you gonna make me start crying in the first 10 minutes of this episode?

Leah:

No, I mean, if it's, if it's joyful tears, then yeah, sure. Knock yourself out. But, um,

Rebecca:

Definitely joyful.

Leah:

good

Rebecca:

It's

Leah:

cry your eyes out.

Rebecca:

always,

Leah:

Um,

Rebecca:

with you.

Leah:

But yeah, and I think that 10 years of bad decisions and bad places and dark places, almost, not almost dark places that I was in and very, um, low places took a toll that I just, I couldn't take anymore. And I'm more than happy with the new me I am.

Rebecca:

Wow. Can you share a little bit about what it was like for you right before we met, when you had just gotten out of marriage and you were in a transitory period. For sure. What was that like? What was your life like? What were you thinking about yourself

Leah:

I know that it's like not, I mean, it's easy to be smart, once you're out and not like seeing the actual

Rebecca:

In hindsight.

Leah:

Yeah. As you said, I got divorced in December 24 and there were a lot of things, brought us to that point. But in terms of how I was seeing myself, how I was feeling then and there, was I really wanna say that this wasn't on purpose from the other side, but I felt like I was always being put down. I was never good enough, no matter what I did, what I gave, how much I gave time, effort, finances, it was never acknowledged, never appreciated. And that got me into a big, black, mess, like

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

dark, and it just sounds like super, morbid when I say dark, I wasn't on the verge of doing anything really bad,

Rebecca:

crazy. Yeah.

Leah:

just, let's just make that clear to like, I, I wasn't,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

but it's like, it's the whole,

Rebecca:

Well, I think that, I think that when.

Leah:

that like you're, no matter what you do, you're not good enough. And no matter what you do or how much you do or how much, you put into something, you don't get anything in return. And I honestly think that's what a relationship is supposed to be like with yourself, with someone else, with your significant other, with your friends, with the people around you, your family. And

Rebecca:

What is it supposed to be like?

Leah:

I'm not saying that you need to give in order to get, I mean, it can be like a nice person and just

Rebecca:

Right,

Leah:

get but I feel like when it comes to a romantic relationship, like a marriage or a significant other, then it's a two way street.

Rebecca:

Right,

Leah:

And if

Rebecca:

right.

Leah:

you is a bicycle and the second one is a truck, there's,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

room for, for, for both of you. Like you, you get what

Rebecca:

Right.

Leah:

That came out a bit crooked,

Rebecca:

You can give. You don't need to give to get, but you still both need to give.

Leah:

And if it ends up with one side giving and giving and giving, there's nothing left to give anyone.

Rebecca:

And I think so many women can relate to that story and those types of relationships that they've been in. I mean, I know because I've, I've spoken to so many women who are either in them, have gotten out of them, and it's like you lose yourself in it.

Leah:

lose yourself in it. Exactly. You don't find space for, for you in this relationship and a relationship is two people. Eventually, like your space is consumed by the other side

Rebecca:

Yeah. And then I think what happens is there's this narrative that either the other person is telling you or showing you about yourself that just gets ingrained. I feel like that's like the part that's really harmful, where you start believing certain things about yourself that are not even true. And then it just continues this toxic relationship and you lose yourself even more. And it's so hard to get it out. So, I mean, just the,

Leah:

keeps feeding itself.

Rebecca:

yeah.

Leah:

if you don't break it, don't realize how vicious it was. Like once you step

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

you're like, oh, damn, I was stuck

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

in this really bad place and I

Rebecca:

How did you, I mean, you don't have to go into detail, but how did you break free from that? What was it that made you be like, I deserve more than this? We hadn't, we weren't even working together at that point.

Leah:

well, first of all, not to go into detail, but,

Rebecca:

Right. Maybe just something that, like someone who might be in that situation could think of, or

Leah:

I, I, I've been,

Rebecca:

maybe something would

Leah:

feeling

Rebecca:

out.

Leah:

about six months up to the breakup that our relationship has been going, downhill. And the fact that forget that my, my ex-husband didn't have time for me. I didn't have time for me,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

and I was like constantly, like work, work, home, work, home, work, work, home work. Like

Rebecca:

Hi.

Leah:

there wasn't, there was nothing

Rebecca:

You were done.

Leah:

Beyond done. It's like life has more to it work and sleep.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

And if you are in a relationship that you, and your significant other, understand that have an understanding have, the like, acknowledge the fact that it doesn't all evolve around just like saying you're in a relationship or how people see you, or, oh yeah, I am. He's my husband, I'm his wife, whatever. There's more.

Rebecca:

Right,

Leah:

there's more to it than that. And

Rebecca:

right. Like keeping up appearances, but then not really investing in the actual relationship.

Leah:

And I just couldn't take it anymore.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

just,

Rebecca:

Wow.

Leah:

I, I couldn't take it anymore. And I, I'm gonna say snapped, for lack of a better word. And I didn't hit anybody like that. Not that kind of snapped, but, um,

Rebecca:

Didn't even think that.

Leah:

I don't know. But people hear snapped and they're like, she like probably killed him or something. And how is she not in jail? But, um, I didn't kill him, I promise.

Rebecca:

This is perfect. I love this conversation.

Leah:

I just, spoke to friends. I spoke to like one of my best friends, and she's like, you know what? I'm happy that you opened your eyes on your own without

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

me needing to tell you. Because sucks to be that person to tell you that listen, you're in a bad relationship, especially when

Rebecca:

yeah, yeah,

Leah:

marriage and alert,

Rebecca:

yeah.

Leah:

when it's your second marriage and you thought it was better than the first one and you thought it was like, oh, everything's gonna be peachy and great now. And uh, guess what? Another spoiler alert, it's not.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

and

Rebecca:

just see it as like super badass, that it is a second marriage and you're still willing to be like, I need to get out of something that is not healthy for me. Because so many people would not be able to do that. I mean, understandably so, but also like, damn, like I'm gonna put aside what anybody else thinks of me. This idea of like, this could be a quote unquote personal failure, which of course it's not, but all of those thoughts I'm sure came rushing in and you still were like, I'm choosing me.

Leah:

I honestly, I, I also wanna say that since, um, I know that, there's been like, talk about me and yeah, like he that his life goal go and like basically talk shit about me and

Rebecca:

Who do I have? Who do I get to go fuck up? Like, I'm just getting so mad. That is not okay. I can't even imagine someone talking.

Leah:

if something happened between like, two partners, you don't need to go and tell the whole damn world about it.

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

And the, From a year Or eight, 10 months ago been like, well, yeah, maybe I did do something wrong and maybe this, and maybe I'm not like, well, obviously I'm not a saint. No one's a saint. But, um, except for saints, maybe like I.

Rebecca:

A sinner and a

Leah:

Center an state. Yeah. so maybe like, I, maybe I really wasn't. Okay. Maybe I should have like addressed it this differently. I should have, I, I don't know, done something earlier or whatever and, and try to save this relationship, but there's like, but the me now would be like, this relationship wasn't worth saving anyway.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

And I don't care what people think and say. I do know also is that people hear his side of the story, okay, great. But when people hear my side of the story, they do realize that, hmm, you're not at fault here.

Rebecca:

But that's the truth.

Leah:

Yep.

Rebecca:

Yep.

Leah:

and

Rebecca:

feel you.

Leah:

fine, fine, whatever. Let him say whatever he wants to say.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

Hater's gonna be haters.

Rebecca:

I think that also makes sense to feel like, you know, especially coming out of a relationship that's not healthy, like just think that maybe you're to blame, blame yourself and that's just part of the cycle and it's so incredible that you Yeah.

Leah:

I mean, it's

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

to say, I fucked up and I'll deal with the consequences. I didn't

Rebecca:

Right. Also, people don't like being, people don't like being victims, so then they go to like, oh, well, nothing really happened to me. I'm in control of this. But sometimes people do shitty things and sometimes shitty things happen in our lives that are outside of our control.

Leah:

exactly. And I wanna also say that

Rebecca:

Um,

Leah:

my motto for as long as I can remember, I don't make mistakes. I obviously do make mistakes, but I, what,

Rebecca:

right.

Leah:

people would see as a mistake I see as a life lesson what can I take from this? So I don't regret,

Rebecca:

good.

Leah:

I don't regret anything I did. And

Rebecca:

I.

Leah:

now I feel that even like 200 times more I do not

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

Jack shit.

Rebecca:

Wow. Well that actually, I mean, such queen energy, such, I don't know, I just, I'm so inspired when I hear that it's definitely how I try to live my life as well. It reminds me a bit of when we first spoke and you said, well, I just wanna get back to myself. This is the first time that we ever spoke. You said, I wanna get back to myself. And I was like, I feel like it's a little more than that. I feel like there's something in there that you've never been able to fully express before. Let's explore that. Let's bring her out.

Leah:

I want to be myself 2.0.

Rebecca:

I.

Leah:

Upgraded,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

yes.

Rebecca:

Yeah. And why it reminded me of what you said is because how could you regret going through the challenges that brought you to a place that you never even imagined that you'd be in a positive way?

Leah:

You need to go through shit to realize that. You're pretty darn good. You're like, you're, you're definitely a lot stronger and a lot more powerful, and you have more strength than you want to believe,

Rebecca:

Right. Sometimes I'm like, I'm done being strong, but

Leah:

well, we all have those

Rebecca:

you know what I mean.

Leah:

those moments.

Rebecca:

But we all still have to go through it and we can't be done with it.

Leah:

Every Thursday I feel like I'm done. But,

Rebecca:

And then you do it. I saw, I saw a meme. It was like, behind every girl who says, I'm done with this shit, is the girl that is going to keep going and do her best.

Leah:

of course. Every single Sunday, every Sunday, every Sunday when I walk into work, I'm like, that's it. I'm quitting. I'm done with this crap. Oh, wait, I'm

Rebecca:

I am done.

Leah:

I screw you guys. I'm

Rebecca:

Uh, every si every siren. I'm like, I'm done with this shit. I can.

Leah:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

like, oh, well, I guess.

Leah:

what? Then we go to, then we go to work every single week, every single day. And we actually enjoy it. I enjoy

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

I enjoy what I do.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

Yeah,

Rebecca:

wanna tell people what you do? What do you do?

Leah:

For, for those who don't like know me, I am a certified paramedic and I work as a physician's assistant at, the imaging department at, Hadassah Mount Scopus.

Rebecca:

Incredible. Yeah, and that's also one thing that I really do wanna point out is when people say struggles in dark times, they're like, well that sounds really, you said it sounds really morbid and it sounds really like I was gonna do something bad to myself. Or you know you don't feel like it paints the picture of what it actually was, even though of course it was a very, very dark time. But I think most of the struggles that women have, and especially the women that I work with have is the internal struggle where you're getting up, you have an awesome freaking job, job you love, you're going to work, you have friends, you have a life, you go through the motions, right? It's not that you're held back from showing up or doing what you need to do in life, but the internal dialogue is what is bringing you down. So then you broke free from that.

Leah:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

And I remember you reached out to me and you're like, oh, you do a boudoir, I wanna do a boudoir shoot.

Leah:

Right,

Rebecca:

And you didn't really even realize what I was doing. And the depth of the transformation, the journey that you were about to go through. Can you tell me a little bit about that? About just reaching out what you were thinking and then what the first call was like for you?

Leah:

Well, sure, I can, a boudoir session is something that I always had in mind

Rebecca:

and you did something like it before, right? You had like a shoot or something that was similar. Yeah. Not comparable, but you did it

Leah:

Yeah. It was always there In the back of my mind and I just never, I'm not gonna say never had the opportunity like to, you know what, yeah. I am gonna say never had the opportunity because I knew that my family would look at it like, what the heck? And my husband would be like, what the heck? And no one good friend of mine would be like, yes, shit, do this. That's why she's my best friend, by the way. And, was never, in a point in life that I could afford to do this. Not like,

Rebecca:

Mm-hmm.

Leah:

not financially, but like

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

to do. This is probably the best way to describe what I'm

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

And,

Rebecca:

No, I think that's said.

Leah:

and, our first call, felt that I could say absolutely everything and anything, and I did, I said a lot of shit and I started crying at some point, or maybe it was after the conversation. I don't remember. But when I realized that it's not just gonna be like a photo shoot, I'm like, am I up for this? Am actually going through with this whole journey, just like this walkthrough. Well insert whatever challenge you have, like if it's the desert or a jungle or whatever, but like this journey that is so much more than just taking awesome, sexy pictures because

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

if you're not there. Mentally, like you're not, it's so much more than that. It's

Rebecca:

Yeah. That call kind of was making that jump mentally because you were like, I wanna shoot. Then I was like, why do you wanna shoot?

Leah:

right. And then,

Rebecca:

And then we like got into it and then it was like, oh wait, even though of course that's what I offer. But even for you, you wanted so much more from it than you realized.

Leah:

I got so much more from it than I, than I thought I would.

Rebecca:

Um,

Leah:

I think that, the main event here is not necessarily. Amazing Photos are an amazing album. Thank you for that. By the way. It arrived this week. I'm so happy. It's on my table and, uh,

Rebecca:

I.

Leah:

on my coffee table in the middle of the living room. I'm so happy. um,

Rebecca:

my gosh. That's the joke I make. I'm like, oh, you could put it on your coffee table and you did it.

Leah:

you not, it's right behind my computer on the table. It's like the main event is not the fact that I have a amazing album amazing photos and I'm pretty, and this and sexy and whatever. The main event and the main goal here is I can say that the person in those photos is me. You get what I'm saying?

Rebecca:

Whoa, Uhhuh,

Leah:

I. That's like, yes, of

Rebecca:

I get what you're saying.

Leah:

right behind the camera. Yes, that makes sense. But like the essence me, that's,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

think that, that kind of like defines it in the best way. That this is me. And when we went over the photos and there was one of them that I said, that's, that's me. What did I say? I was happy. I was good. What was the word I used? I don't remember,

Rebecca:

you said that that was like you in a photo that really was the essence of you. And then I remember you said something that just really hit me. You're like, it's not that. I look at this and I'm like, oh, I'm pretty, I'm beautiful. That too. But I look at this and I see that I'm good.

Leah:

Right. It's like I am finally in my best, first of all, with my best interest in mind and my best place, my best working on myself because it is always, it's always work, and there's

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

to do

Rebecca:

Well, I feel like that's the epitome of the self-love work that everybody, and not everybody, but a lot of people in my world are working towards where it's seeing yourself all parts of yourself. The things that are amazing and that you naturally love and the things that are more challenging for you, your dark parts, seeing all of you and being able to say, I'm good.

Leah:

I am.

Rebecca:

I'm enough.

Leah:

I

Rebecca:

I am.

Leah:

and I'm good with

Rebecca:

Wow.

Leah:

I'm enough with being good.

Rebecca:

Yeah. Right. It's not I'm enough like a resignation. It's, it's different than that.

Leah:

Right. It's a different enough. It's like,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

it's funny, I'm actually gonna quote a TV series that I just started like that. There's a couple there that, that they're like, it's a forbidden love, whatever, blah, blah, blah. and they're like, we're all we need. And I'm like, you know what? I'm all I need and love that. And yeah, that's where I am now and I am all I need.

Rebecca:

Am all I. That is so the epitome of everything that I stand for and everything that I want to be able to give women. And people don't really understand that from the outside'cause they just see, oh, you,

Leah:

'cause you have

Rebecca:

you take sexy pictures. Do it.

Leah:

have to like

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

You have to go through something

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

like, it's easier said than done almost to say like, I'm

Rebecca:

yeah,

Leah:

and this, whatever, but. To truly believe and truly like stand behind those words you have to go, through something. Either, either go on this journey or this process, or people go to therapy, people go to

Rebecca:

yeah.

Leah:

go to that, people go climb the Killamanjaro. That's also an option and not my, not for me. Um, I don't do that stuff. No, no. That's, I'm afraid

Rebecca:

Rather just do photo shoots all.

Leah:

I don't do that stuff. But, yeah. And I believe that the essence of self love and self-acceptance and all those things that we all. Aspire to feel and to, to

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

we want. Everybody wants to be there is that you are enough. You are

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

You don't need You don't need to prove yourself. You don't need to be a people pleaser. Screw

Rebecca:

Yep.

Leah:

Who do you need to? Who? Who do you need to please?

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

You don't need to please anybody

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

except

Rebecca:

One.

Leah:

That came out really bad. I'm sorry.

Rebecca:

Or really good.

Leah:

Yes. You know what? Please yourself in any way that you can think of. That's what I'm gonna say.

Rebecca:

Love that, that is very in line with my brand. Okay, so what about the process leading up to the boudoir session in my studio was helpful for you?

Leah:

Well, the fact that, there were like zoom calls what was it, every week, every other week? Once a month? I don't remember.

Rebecca:

We had like two, maybe three calls beforehand

Leah:

But

Rebecca:

and And then you could always message me in between.

Leah:

The

Rebecca:

and you had like the messaging support.

Leah:

like a way to like reflect on what we did and what we're going to do. And I think

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

who need, I'm a person like that, I need like this structure almost

Rebecca:

yeah,

Leah:

to know what I'm going towards and forget the fact that I felt like super comfortable from the first call, whatever then and all that. That's, that's

Rebecca:

yeah. Sparks were flying on both sides.

Leah:

Yes, exactly. wish I had that. Like, wait, but nevermind. Um,

Rebecca:

Yes. That's coming too.

Leah:

down that road again. We spoke enough about that. But, I do think that me and a lot of there are people like me, need the structure, and not just like, throw you in the water and just swim to shore with, oh, we're gonna have like, super exposed photos and deal with it.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

When I explain to my friends, like, I don't go and talk to the whole world about it, but when people

Rebecca:

Right.

Leah:

like, so how was, how this, what did you do? And then, and I tell them about the boudoir session that we had. They're like, wasn't it weird to just like. Stand there in your underwear or whatever. And I'm like, first of all, it's not just like standing there in your underwear B, it wasn't weird at all. And they're like, how wasn't it weird? It's like super exposed and this and that. And I'm like, it was super exposed, but exposing my body, I wanna say that the whole way there, I expose my mind and my soul. And

Rebecca:

Yeah. Beautiful.

Leah:

once you do that, exposing your body A feels completely different. B

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

easier.'cause exposing your soul is tough as

Rebecca:

Whoa.

Leah:

fuck.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

And

Rebecca:

Wow. Such a good way to put it. Leah.

Leah:

Like digging into the, nasty parts and the, I wasn't accepted and always there and I always eat too much. And talking about those points that throughout your life always brought you down is, a lot harder in your underwear,

Rebecca:

Wow. Yeah, and I think, when you do expose your body without. Exposing your soul. Then there's something that just doesn't feel safe about that

Leah:

right? I agree. I agree

Rebecca:

you feel like maybe you're hiding parts of yourself or someone's judging you. We created safety in this space before

Leah:

100% safe and comfortable and I remember like when I told my mom, which is by the way, when I told my

Rebecca:

Yeah. It's a big.

Leah:

The fact that I told her is, is pretty damn amazing, um, about the, the boudoir session. She's like, but why? Like, don't you feel it's, it's like too much. It's like you're out there and you're, you're exposed and this, and I'm like, yes. But that A, that's kind of the point B,

Rebecca:

Yeah, literally like your story and what you want to embody is like

Leah:

B.

Rebecca:

up the space.

Leah:

The fact that we had this whole prepping journey to bring us up to this

Rebecca:

Hmm.

Leah:

made it super safe and super comfortable and I mean, I didn't feel weird at any point, any point

Rebecca:

That's amazing.

Leah:

I know.

Rebecca:

That's amazing. So fun. So much fun. Yeah. Someone was saying the other day, I'm sure like people are like crying in your sessions. And I said, it's a very emotional journey, but I think because we do the stuff before the session, yeah, maybe we'll tear up a little bit or we'll say something that's really emotional or really big like in the session, but generally more of the emotional aspect of it or the logical aspect of it happens before. And then when you're there, it's like it's in your body and it's fun and we're celebrating. And yes, it is emotional too, but it's not overwhelming.

Leah:

Right. I think that That's super like important also to understand that I totally understand how to see it as like and. Overwhelming, and maybe I'm gonna say, God forbid, traumatizing for, for people.'cause that

Rebecca:

It. I mean, it could very well be with the wrong person in the wrong,

Leah:

for,

Rebecca:

like the wrong photographer, the wrong situation. Someone who's not sensitive, like, oh my gosh. Yeah, a hundred percent.

Leah:

And it could be, I understand that completely, but the work done before, just takes that all away and you end up with, with one heck of a ride.

Rebecca:

Um, I'm so beautiful.

Leah:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

So then can you just. and then can you talk a little bit about what it was like when you came here, on the day of getting your hair and makeup done, the shoot. What was that experience like for you?

Leah:

and it was terrified, but

Rebecca:

Um, because you,

Leah:

I was driving in the rain, in the fog, and I'm okay. I just need to live to get this photo shoot done. That's it. Like I don't need anything after that. I just like, just get me there. Okay. And I get there, like, I get to the studio and first we start with hair and makeup and I'm like, huh, I'm making pretty. And, and and I was pretty in the end I felt like a princess.

Rebecca:

oh my God, in the beginning too, Leah, you forget.

Leah:

In the beginning too. I know. but like. We're like going to upgrade. So I felt like a upgraded version of pretty than the pretty I was at the

Rebecca:

It enhanced your beauty that was already there.

Leah:

Enhancing is the word I was looking for. Sure, sure. True. And

Rebecca:

But I remember you walked in and we were like wearing something very similar with like gold hoops and like,

Leah:

right,

Rebecca:

don't know, I just remember we were like already matching. I loved it.

Leah:

'cause'cause that's like the basic

Rebecca:

It's just Yeah, of course.

Leah:

of jeans and whatever. Uh,

Rebecca:

part.

Leah:

exactly. But, uh, so yeah, hair and makeup and I felt like I, we also spoke about this, that like, what I envisioned and forget the fact that you agreed of me, the fact that the makeup artist agreed of me, Shani, I. Um, it was like, Hey, yay, I, I, I, I'm getting a hang of this. I know, like I know what's good for me. Almost the

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

what, what suits me? What will make me look my best?

Rebecca:

Right. You were like, I want a cat eye. And I was like, yes. That would look so hot on you. She agreed. Right. I remember that. That was so good.

Leah:

It's like, this is, I know exactly, I don't know if exactly,'cause I'm not a makeup artist, but like, I knew what, the idea of what my hair and makeup would look like, and we all agreed on it. And that, that already feel like, okay, I'm in the zone and I'm comfortable and feel comfortable and I feel like I know what I'm doing. Almost.

Rebecca:

Yeah. In control.

Leah:

control.

Rebecca:

In control,

Leah:

yes. That's,

Rebecca:

yeah.

Leah:

I'm on top of

Rebecca:

And this is your space for you. You could actually take up the space and if you like something, you can let us know. If you don't like something, you can let us know. And you felt comfortable and safe to do that?

Leah:

you that. I don't like something which

Rebecca:

Hmm? That, that is next level.

Leah:

one, like 100% the opposite of how I was, let's say a month before we started talking. Like, I don't wanna confront things, I don't wanna like speak up. want,

Rebecca:

I remember you said that during hair and makeup, and I was like, I don't even see you that way. I can't imagine you being timid and not sharing your opinion. And you're like, that's crazy. Because literally a few months before that was not me.

Leah:

exactly. Yeah. It's exactly like

Rebecca:

I, I, yeah. And I still, that's just still how I see you.

Leah:

and I

Rebecca:

It's incredible.

Leah:

and I say what I gotta say and I don't send everyone like, fuck off.'cause like, that's just not nice. But like,

Rebecca:

You can, you can

Leah:

if

Rebecca:

do it kindly.

Leah:

if you guys

Rebecca:

I,

Leah:

hear what I have to say, then I'll say it. If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, A, don't ask B. Um, oh, well with it. This is me, this is what I have to say. And I've actually been listening to this song, a lot lately. It's not new or anything. It's a really old song, but it's um, it's Katy Perry's"Roar". It's like, I used to be this, I used to be that. I used to be this, and I'm like, you are gonna hear me roar. That's it.

Rebecca:

that's the anthem. I love it. And then we went through the session. I had so much fun and all the Polaroids came out freaking amazing and you took breaks and we just like ate and listen to music. You had an incredible playlist. It was so much fun,

Leah:

When I was building the playlist, I was like looking for songs that. Not reminded me, but like maybe brought back memories or brought these feelings that I knew that I wanted to feel, like I wanted to feel like, uh,

Rebecca:

powerful.

Leah:

right now. Powerful. there's like, a list of, of what song makes me feel X and that's the song I put on the playlist. What,

Rebecca:

Right.

Leah:

song

Rebecca:

you used, like when we redefined your definition of sexy, I think you used that, right? Like you redefined what feels sexy for you and then those words were like, powerful, this, that, and then I think isn't that what helped you kind of create the vibe and what you wanted from the session and the music?

Leah:

exactly.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

So when,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

we had that conversation, one of the words that I really, really remember, like saying that had a huge impact was like in control. And that feeling of being in control is what was me the whole entire time. And as I said before, as I walked in, during hair and makeup, during the whole session, it's like I, I'm in control and I'm on top of shit and this is me and hear me roar.

Rebecca:

You reclaimed your power.

Leah:

Yeah,

Rebecca:

It's incredible.

Leah:

is.

Rebecca:

Okay, so then we did that. And then what things shifted for you after the shoot? How did your life, your environment, how you felt about yourself start shifting

Leah:

Well the

Rebecca:

since the shoe

Leah:

two days after I was like floating on clouds, because it's like this high

Rebecca:

I.

Leah:

rush after that it's like I would look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, damn, girl, you did it you did it. Not someone did it for you. Not, you almost did it. You did it. And with that you did it attitude. gonna walk out into the world and feel confident and in control and. Unstoppable is a new word that I thought of actually, and

Rebecca:

that so much.

Leah:

I know right. Unstoppable is amazing. I love that. And that's also a Sia a song, which I've also been listening to a lot lately. I, I feel like my playlist has shifted from like My Chemical Romance to pop stars. And

Rebecca:

I mean, that says it all. We don't even need to have this conversation.

Leah:

Like, Welcome to the Black Parade versus Katy Perry Roar to all you music fanatics out there. Um, I, I'm not kidding. This is what my playlist looks like. It's like Four Seasons by Vivaldi and then Katy Perry, My Chemical Romance and suddenly it's like Marlon Manson. No, I'm kidding. Not actually, but that's, that's kind of like, but but yeah, the fact

Rebecca:

All the parts.

Leah:

And that also like says something that I can accept all the parts of me, the dark Marilyn Manson parts and the poppy Beyonce or whatever you kids listen to these days. um, like I, I can be everything and anything and that's enough. Again, I

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

can be a

Rebecca:

That's just,

Leah:

and a queen and a mother and thing,

Rebecca:

I do not feel ashamed.

Leah:

I do not feel ashamed.

Rebecca:

Yes.

Leah:

song on my

Rebecca:

I,

Leah:

after that song is Anouk's Nobody's Wife

Rebecca:

Oh.

Leah:

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rebecca:

Okay, so then things start shifting. Your music is changing. You're looking in the mirror. You're thinking, damn, I did that. Which actually, when you were just saying that, now I remember I asked you one of the things that you would like to be able to do and you said, I wanna look in the mirror and be like, damn, I look sexy. And you did that even before the boudoir shoot, but like, just hearing that again makes me so happy. So some time goes by and then we do the gallery reveal. And that was such a cool experience, even for me to just be a part of

Leah:

Right.

Rebecca:

those pictures with you for the first time. What did you think about them and how did it change the way you see yourself?

Leah:

I, remember one photo specifically, one moment that it's like, uh, you know, you know exactly what photo I'm talking about.

Rebecca:

Exactly.

Leah:

You know exactly what I like my, my thighs. Yes, my thunder, thighs. That when we got to that photo, I'm like. I love this. And you're like, but you weren't secure about your thighs when we first spoke. And like, I'm like, but I love this photo still your

Rebecca:

You're like, I can't.

Leah:

I can't explain. I mean, I never liked my thighs, but I love this photo. What can I say? just like,

Rebecca:

Wow.

Leah:

and, when I went over the photos, I'm like, there's not even one that I don't like. I mean, obviously there's pictures that I love more and pictures that I,

Rebecca:

Of course.

Leah:

I love and I love more. aren't pictures that I don't love.

Rebecca:

Yeah. And how many were there? There? Like 150 or something crazy like that.

Leah:

Yeah. Yeah. And I loved all of them.

Rebecca:

that's

Leah:

How do I choose,

Rebecca:

incredible.

Leah:

child? You can't do that. It's not cool. It's not fair.

Rebecca:

abandon them.

Leah:

abandon them. I put so much effort into it. How am I supposed to abandon them now? Not cool.

Rebecca:

I have a question about the thighs. So a lot of times someone could see a picture and just think, okay, well she's a really good photographer, or it just looks good in that picture. But I'm curious if it actually changed the way you see your thighs now.'cause it's been a couple months since then.

Leah:

thighs. I like them. I do like them. They're here and they're present, and they're a part of me and I'm comfortable with them. like them and I wear shorts,

Rebecca:

So it works.

Leah:

shorts, which was an issue.

Rebecca:

Yeah. That's the key is not just being like, I love these pictures, but really being able to take that new way of thinking about yourself and rewire your brain. That's literally what we did is rewire it to think differently about yourself, and people don't even think that's possible, but like you're freaking living proof of it.

Leah:

It is, it is possible and it's so worth it. It's, it's knowing that as hard as things may be and as depressing and frustrating, and this, it's totally worth, you're totally worth loving.

Rebecca:

Wow.

Leah:

You don't need anything and anyone else. You are all you need.

Rebecca:

Oh, Hmm. I feel like I wanna give myself a hug.

Leah:

Yay.

Rebecca:

We're so cute. Cute. Okay, so then we're getting to the end. We're getting there. And at the same time, it's just the beginning, but you just got your album two days ago, three days ago.

Leah:

two or three sometimes. It's sometime this week. Yeah. Two, three days ago.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

I got it on the day that I had a night shift and I actually took it with me to work, to go like to, to look at it throughout my shift. Yeah. And. I, I actually showed it to a friend of mine that works with me and she was like, don't know how you had the courage, but this is awesome. And I'm like, thank you. I'm gonna say that I don't know how I had the courage either, but you know what, I do know a lot of work.

Rebecca:

It is so interesting that that is people's first reaction, I guess just'cause I've been doing it for so long and I know how much courage it takes and where people are at before the journey, but it's just interesting that that's the first thing that people say.

Leah:

It's, she loved it. She's been like part of the whole. The whole divorce, the whole this or that, whatever. Like,'cause I've been to work like, and you

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

not only is this awesome, I'm actually like, proud of you for,

Rebecca:

Wow.

Leah:

For doing this for yourself. She was like, before, she's like, and who's gonna see the album? I'm like, I'm gonna see the album. I don't need anyone else to see the album. It's like my tattoos, not for anyone else. They're for me. It's my

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

It's my, my journey to look at my journey to, Explore and live and, and continue. It's, for me, it's not for anyone else. I mean, if you wanna see, go, go ahead. Be my guest. But, um,

Rebecca:

Right. Exactly. It's not that you're relying on someone else to like it in order for you to feel good about it.

Leah:

like it. That's the thing.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

I don't,

Rebecca:

And you also don't need anyone else to like you to feel good about you.

Leah:

I like me. That's what counts.

Rebecca:

Damn. That is incredible. That is the age old question. Well, what's, what are the pictures for?

Leah:

For

Rebecca:

What are you gonna do with the album? Yes,

Leah:

They're not for anyone else. It's for me, I enjoyed it.

Rebecca:

a hundred percent.

Leah:

Mm-hmm. Ow.

Rebecca:

So looking back on this entire journey, what is the thing that you're most proud of that you shifted or accomplished or thought of differently? Like what was your biggest win?

Leah:

Well, first of all, the fact that I saw this through is

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

I'm proud of and the fact that I can now stand and say, this is me. This is me time I come first, call it whatever you want. Everyone has a different sentence they use, but. This is me and take it or leave it. But I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not changing for,

Rebecca:

I take it.

Leah:

I'm not compromising for anybody because of anybody body,

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

because of anything, any, and as my shirt says,"ciao" um, it's like ciao You don't like the idea. bye.

Rebecca:

Okay.

Leah:

I don't need validation. I don't need you to agree with me with what I represent, what I say, how I dress, how I look. I

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Leah:

This is me,

Rebecca:

Yeah. And it's so understandable that we get wrapped up in that because that's just so much of the society that we live in, and we're taught that our body size equals our worth, that this everything external equals our worth. So when people are struggling with that, I always just want to make sure that they know that that's normal and it's not impossible to change it. It is so possible to change.

Leah:

like that. We all,

Rebecca:

Yeah,

Leah:

it's, it's normal, but it's what we do with those feelings that come from

Rebecca:

yeah,

Leah:

that make a difference. Which brings me back to

Rebecca:

yeah.

Leah:

no regrets for anything I did

Rebecca:

Hmm.

Leah:

It's what I choose to take from those so-called mistakes that are described as mistakes by society, and what I choose to take from there that that counts and what I do. From there, air forward,

Rebecca:

Wow, that's so powerful.

Leah:

I know, and I've been

Rebecca:

Do you have anything, do you have any like thing that you would want to say to maybe another woman who might have been in a similar situation to you before we began working together? What advice would you give her? What do you want her to know?

Leah:

What I do want her to know is I trust your gut, trust your instinct.

Rebecca:

Hmm. Everything.

Leah:

best, despite what people have been telling you that you don't know anything and your opinion is not valued and your opinion means jack shit, or I don't know, whatever someone ever said, your opinion matters. You matter, and normally, usually you're right. Your instinct is right. It's correct. You know best, what's good for you and follow it. No matter where it takes you, follow it. If it's out of a relationship, if it's to a new relationship, if it's to a heck of a ride, heck of a journey. Trust it.

Rebecca:

right.

Leah:

your gut.

Rebecca:

Even during the times when it feels so uncertain. And you're not sure what the result of trusting your instinct will be. Leaning into it even more is really, really important and powerful. And otherwise we, we lose ourselves and

Leah:

Exactly.

Rebecca:

all the messages and opinions of others and

Leah:

lose yourself.

Rebecca:

we can't do that.

Leah:

And nothing is worth it. Absolutely no one and nothing

Rebecca:

that is words of wisdom.

Leah:

Word.

Rebecca:

thank you so much for coming on here. You're just amazing. Such an incredible person.

Leah:

a ee beanie beany beanie bit of, well, inspiration is a big word, but, um, I hope that whoever, wherever needs to hear this, it will reach them and they'll make the right decision no matter that means. I truly hope that it will give some guidance,

Rebecca:

Oh.

Leah:

hope, whatever you need.

Rebecca:

Amen, Amen to that perfect way to end. Thank you so much.

Leah:

you.