The Body Image Revolution
The Body Image Revolution
Your Inner Critic is a B*tch With Liba Lurie
Liba Lurie, psychologist and parenting coach, joins us on the podcast for a conversation about that voice that sometimes creeps in and says, “You’re not enough!” — ahem, that damn inner critic. Liba shares her own story, how her childhood shaped her self-image, and her path to healing and helping others heal too. She offers beautiful insights on parenting, body image, cultivating your inner voice, and becoming more present.
Follow Liba on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/liba_lurie/
Learn more on her website at www.libalurie.com and get free access to her Course Vault here https://libalurie.ck.page/b22840b597
I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalaboudoir
Hey, beautiful souls. It's Rebecca here with The Body Image Revolution, and we are back and better than ever. I mean, isn't that what I'm supposed to say, but seriously, guys, I am so glad that you're here because I have some amazing episodes lined up for you, starting with today. So listen, I know that I might be a little biased and it's all very personal. But I kind of think that I have some of the best coaches and therapists in my orbit. and if you know me, you know that I am not a gatekeeper. If I know something or someone who can make a real difference in your life, I am sharing it. Today's guest is a total badass. She's an incredible therapist who was my own parenting coach for six months. Her name is Liba Lurie. She's so smart and real and funny and has insights that I just knew I needed to bring to all of you. We're going to be talking about a lot of different things and we had so much fun talking together. And I really just hope that you enjoy this episode, but I know that you're also going to walk away with some really great and helpful tools to be kinder to yourself and deepen your relationship with your body and your kids and the people you love. So I hope you enjoy, let's get into it. Hello. Thank you so much for joining me today, Liba. Thanks for having me. This is going to be such a great conversation. I'm so excited for my listeners to get to know you a bit because I have gotten to know you over the years and learn so much from you. Is there a quick little intro that you could give about yourself so people can know who you are, where you're from, the basics.
Liba Lurie:I'm Liba. I'm a psychologist, a mom of four, I'm Canadian born, I did my master's in Australia in psychology and I currently live in Israel with my husband and four kids.
Rebecca Sigala:Great. And what do you specialize in?
Liba Lurie:Well, I'm a psychologist. Mm hmm. I'm a therapist. And I
Rebecca Sigala:a very good one.
Liba Lurie:Thank you. I specialize. Oh, it's that's a hard one to answer. I really specialize in the parent child relationship. But what that means on the ground is I help parents feel calmer, more confident and actually enjoy life with their kids.
Rebecca Sigala:That's so important. what led you to specifically working in that area? Was it something that was professional or was it like a personal reason that you became passionate about this?
Liba Lurie:Well, you know, they make a joke in universities like you study psychology because you need to see a psychologist. And then there's that another classic saying that you give what you need. So you offer in the world what you desire, particularly as entrepreneurs. Small business owners, and helpers and healers particularly.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:I think,
Rebecca Sigala:yeah, I feel like that
Liba Lurie:and yeah,
Rebecca Sigala:on my journey for sure.
Liba Lurie:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew that would totally resonate with you and a lot of, entrepreneurs like ourselves. You had asked me how I got into this, how I chose this. I wanted to start a family, which was very early on. Which I think was a symptom of not having a strong sense of belonging in a family.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:And so I wanted to create my own.
Rebecca Sigala:did you realize that at the time or was it just like subconscious?
Liba Lurie:Think I knew it at the time, but I didn't understand at the time that it was motivated by my childhood wounds. I wasn't even conscious of the wounds that I bared, in my mind and, body and consciously when I say body, I don't mean God forbid physical scars. In my case, but more the emotional scars that we hold in our bodies. as we do emotional wounds, which we can talk about. But, as a Jewish woman, I grew up in a non observant household, but later in life, I adopted an observant lifestyle. And, at that point in my life The most important thing to me was, building a home. I didn't want to futz around as they say, or piss and fart around, kind of just like, you know, I really felt that I was going to grow in a marital relationship and Having children, having a family. after high school and going to university and seeking some sort of guidance, seeking some sort of attachment, seeking some sort of anchor in what seems to me life was just a sort of like floating in this sea. Like, where am I going? How do I get here? Does that resonate with you? Yes. I'm like, are you telling my story? Yeah, right. So I think a lot of us, in that era, When we, you know, adopted, an orthodox lifestyle and it makes sense. I actually wrote my master's thesis on conversion and yeah, there are actually two psychological theories that explain why people"convert." For me, I wasn't converting. I changed my lifestyle, but
Rebecca Sigala:there's crossovers there.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. So, it makes sense, and I allude to that because I was seeking, like, this attachment, like, I just didn't feel like I was tied to it.
Rebecca Sigala:Wait, so what are the reasons why people convert?
Liba Lurie:Well, one theory is, and they're kind of opposite, one theory is you convert because, you are seeking to be the opposite of your parents.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah,
Liba Lurie:and then others you want to be like them, you want to be closer to them.
Rebecca Sigala:I feel like that's like a common theme in my life, not just with religion, but just anything. How do you mean? Like, Parenting or my relationship with myself. It's always like, am I being like my parents here or am I doing something that's different from them? It's just something that I'm always aware of because the way that we grow up really informs so much of who we are. And then it's like, okay, do I want to be like them or do I want to go a different path and for me, it's always been, I want to go a different path. But, sometimes that misses like some of the good things that they gave me.
Liba Lurie:Yes. And so fast forward, Rebecca, actually, you know, I became a parent and I realized as much as I wanted to take a different path, no matter what I did, it was like magnetism. I was bound to this path or what I call these emotional patterns and I was really gobsmacked and confronted by this sort of constant stumbling back into these old habits. And what's more is that I carry this, the concept of my relationship with my caregivers. Was so wrought with conflict, and it felt like something I had to get rid of as much as I wanted closeness. I also wanted distance. And so we call that ambivalence, this sort of preoccupation, you kind of like back and forth. It's not unlike a teenager who's like, or like a toddler who's like, go away. To me, it's that kind of, internal, conflict. So there I was like a mom and I was like, wow, I am not equipped for this. And as, as much as I want to show up for my kids and as much as I wanna be present and attentive and emotionally available, I wasn't. And I didn't understand what was going on. And so the first thing I did was I beat myself up about it. You know? I was really hard on Yeah. Like all of us.
Rebecca Sigala:What was it about your childhood that prevented you from having the tools to feel like you could be the mother that you wanted to be? I mean, I know that's a huge question, but maybe like a couple examples that maybe people could relate to.
Liba Lurie:Well, I think two, there are different angles that one can look at this. One is that I didn't experience, I didn't have the emotional experience of, present, attentive, caregivers. I grew up in an environment where I was constantly questioning my safety and not just my physical safety, but my emotional safety. Can I, Liba, as a separate individual exist here? Do I even exist? And I didn't experience relationships that nurtured a sense of identity, separateness, security, value. Another way of looking at it is that, like, my parents themselves didn't have that. They grew up in communist Russia or the children of Holocaust survivors and, like, the worst case, you know, you can imagine that were my grandparents. They should rest in peace. And this was the environment they grew up in and a lot of trauma and, you know, unprocessed trauma. And so my parents were themselves traumatized, by life and, you know, persecution and death. Yeah. Real, real horrific events that we should never know about. And so that impacted them. So I say that with a compassion towards them and I can
Rebecca Sigala:right
Liba Lurie:I, in my growth and my development, my healing have established a sense of separateness and identity that I didn't get in my early childhood relationships, but I did it on my own in other healing relationships so that I can perceive them as separate individuals with their flaws and I can feel compassion towards them and understand that it actually wasn't me. It wasn't me, even though I carried that belief. Into my parenting relationships. I thought it was me. I thought that this wasn't working because there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Rebecca Sigala:And what were you seeing in your parenting that you were being critical about? And I want to talk a little bit more in depth about inner critic and self talk and stuff like that today, because I know that that's something that so many of us, Struggle with, but I'd love to hear what was your inner critic telling you when you were a mother in the beginning stages, the beginning years?
Liba Lurie:Oh, my God. What a bitch. Very mean, very mean. The critic is very mean. Yeah. And what's wild is that we believe it. That's what's wild. Like, not that we have it, that we believe it. Yeah. And I would say to people in my world, it's just like facts. Yeah. It's the way the world is. Yeah. it's not a problem that you have that you're so critical of yourself though. People would stop there. It's that you believe it. That's the problem is that I believe it to be true that I'm, I'm, Oh God. I just, I, I, my heart hurts when I go back to think about this young mom who, how old were you by the way? Oh God. My first born. I just turned 23. 23.
Rebecca Sigala:I was 21. Not much different.
Liba Lurie:I don't know. I think it is pretty different. But yeah, young, young, young, young, young. Gosh, she first of all felt very lost and alone. And then like she had done her whole entire life thought to herself or heard in her mind, this voice saying, Well, that's because you're not good enough. That's because you haven't done an adequate job, making other people happy. And if you make them happy, then you'd be happy and that's the lie that the critic tells us, because we know rationally as we sit here, like, that's not true.
Rebecca Sigala:Right?
Liba Lurie:And it's not only is it not true, but it's self sabotaging because you will never achieve that. It is unachievable. We do not achieve happiness through those means. It's like if you flap your arms hard enough, you'll fly. It's like, no, no, you won't. Like, that's not, but this voice tells you that that's how it works and you believe it. And they're flapping your arms. Yeah. That's what's happening in this relationship we have with our internal critic. How do you see it in your work with the women you work with?
Rebecca Sigala:I mean, I think it's such a, that is what it is, is feeling like, feeling like you're never enough. In terms of, your body image or the way that you look because society has put a certain, standard, a certain definition, different pressures that we have as women to, to be and look and act a certain way. And it's just not exclusive to body image. That's really why I wanted to have this conversation because I know that there's so much overlap in the work that we do because body image is one thing, But the self talk that we've cultivated, the relationship that we have with ourselves, it's not just, Oh, I'm mean to myself about my body and that's it. That always translates to other parts of our lives. If we're mean to ourselves about our bodies, then you're going to find other places in your life where you're also being mean to yourself because that's just the way that you relate to yourself. Does that resonate with you?
Liba Lurie:Yeah, totally. Absolutely. Absolutely. One, my heart breaks, you know, I feel very sad when I think of, you know, the women you're working with, beautiful, pure, whole individuals that are just exactly their way they're supposed to be and how they perceive themselves with such, judgment and criticism and like, it's mean, and it's not even, this is the thing, it's not even them. It's not even you, like to the, to the listener, it's not even you. And I had made this mistake, you know, the conversation I had with a friend who's also a therapist and she's like, and I was like, well, you know, I have this part of me and that for me. She's like, no, you don't. This is not a part of you. I'm like, I'm sorry, what? She's like, I actually wanted to talk about this. Yeah. Yeah. This is not a part of you. This is not you. And I'm like, hold on. Computing. Shit. You're right. Yeah. And it took a minute for me to process that, you know, and I say that to the listener who's like, well, I don't know. It sounds
Rebecca Sigala:a lot like me, but
Liba Lurie:something I'd said
Rebecca Sigala:to another client, just to be clear for the listeners, like you're specifically talking about that inner voice, that critical inner voice that is telling you that you're not enough. It's not you. That's what you're saying.
Liba Lurie:It's that's not me. I would never. I mean, and the way you can ask is like, would you ever speak to someone like that?
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:And if you do, I think the answer
Rebecca Sigala:is
Liba Lurie:yes. You know, I sat at the pool a few years ago. My in laws came to visit us in Israel and we went away, they generously took us away. And we're sitting by the pool and my mother in law who has struggled with her weight and her body image and her self esteem in general. We sat at the pool and she saw a woman across in the deep end, a heavyset woman in a bathing suit and she said, my God, who would ever go out like that? Can you imagine? I was like, Oh,
Rebecca Sigala:my gosh, my heart just breaks hearing that.
Liba Lurie:I'm like, hold on, hold on, you know, like, I'm like, first of all, and I like found in myself. Deep compassion for her because I understood that that's how you speak to yourself, right? Right. So I say that as a sort of a sidebar to the listener to identify the voice and whose voice it is You can ask yourself. Well, would I ever think that of someone? Well, actually you might
right and
Liba Lurie:if you do It's probably because you're being spoken to that way.
Yeah, the
Liba Lurie:question is where did you hear that? Where did you get that message? Because I'll tell you what sweetheart you were not born into the world with that message in your mind Where did we get this message? And what's the reason I'm so committed to it? And what else is available to me? What else would I be thinking if I were going to decide for myself?
Rebecca Sigala:I just, actually, the call before this, I had a photo reveal, which I combine it with a coaching call to show women their boudoir pictures for the first time. And She said so many beautiful things, but she said that I realized through this experience that I don't have to be the person I've always been. I don't have to be the person that is dissatisfied with her body. And what you said reminded me of that because so many people don't even realize that there is another option. It's not that they don't give themselves society, their upbringing, like everything around us tells us a certain thing and we buy into it. That's the way that, our brains work and it's totally human and understandable to be there. But then when we're on this personal development journey, it is so beautiful to realize that there are opportunities To shift the way we think, and that, like you said, it really isn't us, like, maybe we would have think that of someone else, but I don't think that necessarily reflects the type of person you are, like, deep down on a soul level, It's really still things that have been told to us and messages that we've received. Right. And that's how we relate to ourselves and relate to the world. And she said, like, I just look perfect. And I was smiling because It's not because it was photoshopped, because it's not, it wasn't that her body changed in order for her to feel that she was perfect. She really changed the way that she saw things. And I think that before you go through that experience, it just feels impossible. It feels like that is not real life. These are just the facts, and like, I don't have any other option.
Liba Lurie:Right, and I can imagine someone listening to that thinking, like you said, that's not available to me. And I imagine someone saying, like, I get that in theory. Totally. In theory, I like the idea. Yeah. But personally, when I look in the mirror, I This is what I see. This is what I see, and when I think about what I see, which is perception, the meaning that we make of our, like of the stimuli that our brain receives, I perceive it as inadequate, that it does not reach the bar. And my question is, whose bar? Exactly. Who's bar? Who defines this? Right? and the, really the object isn't so much important as much as the subject is that actually I get to decide for myself what satisfies me because I, my happiness, my joy, my satisfaction is really, my responsibility, which means I have the ability to respond to my needs. That's mine. And there's this misconception, where we are looking for other people to tell us that we are good enough, whether it be, these made up voices, made up concepts, i. e. society.
Rebecca Sigala:These standards that we think we're setting for ourselves, but really have been set for us.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. Yeah. And I get, I get to decide this for myself and I think that's so beautiful about your client is not just the decision she made, but that she made the decision herself and, like, highlighting the self here, you know, and I think I'm thinking about my journey that I was sharing earlier and how our work overlaps is. There's a real process of reclaiming the self. And just to clarify my perception for your listeners, self is my wants, my needs, my wishes, my desires, my thoughts, my beliefs, my opinions. And I can tell you, at a time in my journey, my healing journey, walking out of my like therapy session and being like, Oh my gosh, I actually have opinions. It Seems so, like, duh.
Rebecca Sigala:Therapy that you were giving or therapy that you were receiving? No, that
Liba Lurie:I was receiving. I was being therapized. That's a good word. Yeah, I realized, like, I discovered myself, capital S self, and this part of myself is that she has opinions, and I'm allowed to have opinions. And they're my own, whether you like it or not, this is what I think, this is what I believe. And I imagine, you know, this woman that you were speaking to that she just decided that I look beautiful and I get to decide that. And it's mine to think and feel and believe because that's what I want. Right? like even if you do believe this, which I get, like you're like, well, I kind of do believe it. I get it. Another follow up question is do you want to?
Rebecca Sigala:Right. Do you want to? Is it serving you? Like, what is this doing for you?
Liba Lurie:Yeah. And then another question would be, you know, the part of the serving part is like, in some ways actually does serve you. That's the thing. It does serve us. Yeah. And I think there's something here around, it came, it came across my mind as we were talking that I think an important, topic or theme to inject in this conversation is fear and how we're, I'm scared to be my own separate self for my own opinions. Tell my inner critics to F off. You swear in your podcast though, don't you?
Rebecca Sigala:Oh, yeah. If I recall, you swear. One of the reasons I really wanted to talk to you about this was because I had the opportunity to be coached by you, parenting coaching slash therapy, for six months and it was such an incredible experience and One thing that you mentioned, which you mentioned earlier, was that our inner critic is not ourselves and, really thinking about that from that perspective was pretty mind blowing to me because so much of the therapy that I had done in the past was that it's a part of you, and to be accepting of it and, it's okay that it's there and kind of like seeing The whole of yourself, the good parts, the dark parts, all of it. It's okay. And that's not necessarily not true. But to see the inner critic as something else that isn't me, I think was so empowering, like you just said, like, fuck off, like, I don't need to, I don't even need to entertain you.
Liba Lurie:It's a bully. Yeah. Your brain, a really important distinction I'd like to make to your listener is there's a difference between because you're right, Rebecca, there is shadow work, but shadow work, you know, the parts of us that we need to, kind of bring out from the dark forest and, bring her into a hug that those are our childhood wounds. Yeah, those are the parts of ourselves we've had to expel and split off from because, to integrate them into ourself meant that, we would have to sacrifice our bond or connection or attachment to our caregiver because our caregiver didn't like those parts, those parts were actually, your wants, your emotional needs for comfort, for example, or, your desire for validation, I don't know, some really basic stuff. I don't know. You know, you need as a
Rebecca Sigala:child and everybody in
Liba Lurie:a safe, secure, relationship, but if you don't get it, then you'll say, well, the best way for me to preserve my safety is an attachment to as long as you want me. As long as you want me, then I'm okay, which actually makes sense in childhood. You know, it makes sense in childhood that my survival depends on my caregiver wanting me. And so I will adapt so that they will be happy. And that makes sense in childhood. It doesn't make, I don't have to do that anymore. And so all those little, those wounded parts of me, I get to go into the corner. I get to go to whatever place you imagine in your mind. She's hiding, curled up in a ball. Very often my clients will say she's in their bedrooms, like she's hiding. And we go, we knock on the door, we go and we're like, hi, sweetie. And we approach her and we engage with her. And we invite her into a relationship. Like I got you, I got you, beautiful creature. And I remember my process. Gives me the
Rebecca Sigala:chills thinking about it.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. Like I love you. I love you so much. Oh my God, you are the sweetest thing. And that was quite reparative. So that's one thing, you know, the part of me. But yes, I'm bringing out in this from the shadows. That's, that's me. But that bitch who keeps telling you that you're not good enough. That says to you that shadow work is so stupid. You're never going to be happy. You're never going to heal. You're always going to be, unhappy. You're always going to be, fuck off. Don't fucking talk to me that way. And like, girl, get used to speaking to crap for yourself, be an advocate. And, you know, one thing you can ask yourself, if someone was speaking to my very best friend, and you can imagine your very best friend right now,
my
Liba Lurie:closest friend, and how much I love her and how much I care about her. If someone were to speak to her that way, or if she were to speak to herself that way, how would I advocate for her? I'd say don't talk to yourself that way. Yeah. Don't talk to my friend that way. Don't talk
Rebecca Sigala:to that
Liba Lurie:asshole. They're wrong.
Rebecca Sigala:Going back to your story, I'm imagining you as a young mom and just feeling shitty about the way that you're showing up or not showing up and just feeling like you're never enough. What was the moment that you realized that there was something different available to you?
Liba Lurie:It wasn't, it was an idea. Yeah. It was, it was a, it was an idea and I, you know, I was thinking recently how I took actually a very big risk. I took a very big risk and I actually, to my credit, I would say I bet on myself. I bet on my instincts and my intuition. I knew 110 percent that this was true. I knew that parenting was not about getting my kids to listen and cooperate and make them happy. I knew that this was about showing up for them and that started being able to show up for myself.
Rebecca Sigala:Like, you were doing things on autopilot because of, just, you know, everything leading up to that point. But there was a part of you that was like, I know that there's something either I'm missing. what was it exactly? were there two sides of you? one thinking, like, Okay. this is how I'm showing up. And then you just have an inner knowing that it could be different or your kids need something else or what, like, you weren't happy. I wasn't happy. I wasn't enjoying it. That's
Liba Lurie:why I say I help parents feel calmer. Right. Was there a breaking point? There were many breaking points. Yeah, there were many, many rock bottoms, many rock bottoms. And it really felt like my, my journey is more spiral, up spiral than it is. Sometimes I would spiral down, but sometimes it's an up spiral more than it is a straight line. And I think that's, an important life lesson that life does not work in a straight line, that we will continue. And I remember this in my process, being in therapy for so long and then be like, Oh, am I still dealing with this and realizing, Oh, I'm going to be dealing with this because this, this, whatever this is. Is the thing that I am being called to confront myself. Right. And so we continue just like we, you know, we celebrate our birthday every year. We continue to meet these parts of ourselves. Lovely. Yes. Until we can build a relationship with this part. Yeah. And it becomes an integrated part so that we feel whole. And that, Right. It just, it keeps coming up as an
Rebecca Sigala:opportunity to heal it deeper.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. It's not something I just, Oh, I just live with this part of me. It's actually part of me that I've come to understand, to love, to be able to go, Oh, hello, there you are. Oh, that's my abandonment wound.
And to be able to
Liba Lurie:communicate that clearly to myself and those around me, if necessary. You know, what's going on for me is actually, this is my, I'm feeling, I'm experiencing my abandonment right now
Rebecca Sigala:and that I
Liba Lurie:can observe it as a part of myself rather than it take over and it becomes all of me that all I am is abandoned, wounded victim to life, but that I can. relate to it. Until there's a point where it kind of makes a cameo and I can soothe much quicker than I could. It's a process. It's a process. This is the healing process. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny to try to think of it because I, you know, in the hero's journey, like there are these aha moments, but like, There weren't, there were just a lot of shitty moments, just a lot of shitty moments. And every time I caught myself being hard on myself in these shitty moments and somehow it clicked that even in theory I understood that it wasn't a nice way to speak to myself. It was when I realized this isn't even me, I was able to connect to my compassion and path itself. my capacity to deeply love, love myself, love others. And I felt a lot safer in the world and in relationships with others and with myself and my purpose when I realized that everything that I've been telling myself and everything I've been fighting against and working towards wasn't actually real. And I think when we talk about the inner critic, it's important to take a moment to step back and ask ourselves, is this reality? Is this story I'm telling myself, even though I'm familiar with it and it's comfortable, is it reality? Shifting out of our comfort zone is scary. Our brain wants to be comfortable.
Rebecca Sigala:Mm hmm. And what if someone was like, yeah, it is reality. Like we were saying before, like it feels very true. What would you tell them to ask themselves then? What feels true? some negative thought that they have about themselves. And then you question it, you challenge it. Is this reality? And they're like, yeah, it really is. Because especially when you're in that place of struggle, it's very hard to be compassionate to yourself.
Liba Lurie:Right. So then my question is. You say it feels true. I said, well, what are you feeling? What are you
Rebecca Sigala:literally just getting in touch with? Yeah, what's going on?
Liba Lurie:Because the work for me, my work is not done in the brain, though. It is helpful and it's an important player in this process. A lot of the work is done in our bodies, and I think that's where our work overlaps because it's done in our body. So I'm curious very often about one's experience of reality. I'm not here to question your reality. That's not my job. My job is to support you in observing yourself in the reality that you're in, whether it's a true reflection of reality, which, by the way, is subjective anyways. We don't need to talk philosophy, but, you know, what is reality anyways? Go down that road. Yeah, the fact is, we get to choose. Again, we have choices here. and there was a, you know, again, in my journey, this moment, I'm like, I'm a grown ass woman with choices. I get to choose now. I'm not a little girl who has to, you know, I have this image of me sort of like scurrying after trying to keep up with my two big sisters and, my dad or my mom who's just walking ahead, just so I don't get left behind. So you're like, you know what, y'all go ahead. I'm fine. I got this. I got this and I love you all and when you come back around, I'll be happy to see you, but I'm cool. I don't need to chase after you that kind of pursuing. I think often we pursue this concept of ourselves, but it's based on somebody else's desire, not our own. We can be so consumed with somebody else's mind that we completely lose contact with our own mind, our own self, and what we want, what we wish for, what we desire.
Rebecca Sigala:Our own power.
Liba Lurie:Yeah, our own power. I mean, that is our power.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:I think our power is to say, wait a minute, I exist.
Rebecca Sigala:I exist.
Liba Lurie:I exist. As opposed to waiting for someone else to validate our existence.
Rebecca Sigala:How much of parenting work do you think that this is? Is this a huge foundational part of the work that you do with your clients?
Liba Lurie:It is. I think when you say parenting work, a lot of people have this concept that I'm talking to them about their kids.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah,
Liba Lurie:I want to,
Rebecca Sigala:I want the listeners to hear a little bit about this. Yeah,
Liba Lurie:I just finished a in person program in Jerusalem and one of the women. I read her feedback form and she said, she's like, I love that we never even talked about our kids. I was like, yeah, we don't really talk about your kids. You know, this morning I was working with a couple and this is our 4th session. And I was like, happy dance because they realized, oh, I get what you're saying Liba. It's not about our kids. Parenting has nothing to do with your kids. It doesn't. I mean, yeah, you got to feed them. You got to keep them alive. You are responsible for them. You are the adult in the room. Yes, the ultimate goal is to create this really juicy bond with these people that you have the pleasure of watching transform. From the cradle, you know, to your grave, you know, for your whole, like, for your life, you get to watch these people transform and, I mean, I'm well on my way, or I think so, I guess it's all relative, but, you know, I've got a kid who's finishing high school and going into the army and I'm just like watching her turn into an adult. Holy shit. It is, it's super holy shit. And it's just like, but parenting is about being not doing. It's about being able to be present in the moment, suspending judgment, and relating to the reality.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:You know, I relate to my kid in the reality of what's actually happening and being able to do that. That's the work. That's what parenting is. And a lot most of that's happening in my own mind.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah,
Liba Lurie:it's in my own mind. And it's a reflection of how I relate to myself, how I relate to my kids is a direct reflection of how I relate to myself
Rebecca Sigala:Absolutely.
Liba Lurie:And so, being compassionate to ourselves, being loving towards ourselves, benefits our kids.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. I understand it very deeply. I mean, I went through this process. Also, my healing journey up until I started working with you and then continuing working with you. It was so helpful for me, and I think a big part of that was really like you can logically understand. Yeah, I need to work on myself 1st and my relationship with myself is a reflection of how I'm going to relate to my Children like. All of those things logically make sense, but then when you think about going to someone to help you with parenting, you think, okay, we're going to talk about specific situations and I'm going to get tools to really help my children like step by step processes, things like that, you know? But I think what I really understood was what you were just talking about is like really being able to be present and be in your body and have this compassionate way of being and how much more that's given me, connection with myself, but connection with my children. But I can imagine that someone who is listening to this is thinking how does that actually happen?
Liba Lurie:It happened in our relationship.
Rebecca Sigala:What do you mean?
Liba Lurie:I think one of the most healing elements of therapy is the relationship with the therapist is a therapist who really gives a shit about you.
Yeah,
Liba Lurie:really Her intention is to get to know you. And so here, there you are sitting and, you come in and you're like, okay, so I got, I got, this is me, I'm speaking for myself. I got this figured out. I pretty much know what I'm doing. Right. Like I was like, I came into my work being like, I don't need anybody, but fine. Right. Fine. Okay. And I was highly defensive and very resistant.
Yeah.
Liba Lurie:And through a process I, I learned how and not, not pedagogically. but experientially learned how to experience myself in a connection to someone and I have not met a therapist like myself and that's fine. Not that they don't exist, but to say which ways, how are you different in that? I often people will tell me that I'm very relatable that when they speak to me, I mean, and you could, you could speak to this. You can confirm, confirm or deny, confirm or deny, and it's something that's important to me is that I'm very human, try to be human, I'm professional, but human, it's always therapeutic. But the idea is that, my intention is to,
Rebecca Sigala:by the way, I can, I can confirm is
Liba Lurie:is that, that you feel felt, it's the feeling of being felt and understood. And That we all need in order to exist psychically in ourselves.
Rebecca Sigala:and in termss of parenting? Yeah, exactly. To be able to give that to our children. Yeah. Like, because you modeled that for me and I was able to, like, deeply experience that in our relationship, then I have more emotional space to give my children that and really see them. Are you asking it or are you saying it? I'm asking you, is that what it is? I want people to understand, I want people to kind of get a glimpse into what this work could do for them and their relationship with their kids instead of just being like, yeah, work on yourself first. That's the first thing. I also with body image too, people are like, how do I help my kids have a positive body image? And it's such a similar approach.
Liba Lurie:If we look at it, like, show up for yourself so you can show up for your kid, because I often say the only thing your kid needs in this world, the only thing your kid needs is you. They only need you. So where the fuck are you? Yeah. Are you busy trying to prove yourself? Are you busy trying to make everybody else love you and like you and be happy? Are you running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to, make sure that everybody else sees you,
Rebecca Sigala:Coming from that place of I'm not enough all the time, functioning from that belief.
Liba Lurie:Right. Because I'm not enough is synonymous to I don't exist.
Rebecca Sigala:Right.
Liba Lurie:You're not enough for what? Like, I haven't made the cut to exist. I'm not good enough for you to hold me in mind. I haven't made it in, and sweetheart. It's not you. It's not that you're not good enough. It's the mind of the object that cannot contain another person. It's that they do not have the capacity to contain you. And then I think, shit do I have the capacity to contain my kid? Is there space in my mind to contain my kid? Or am I so busy trying to be good enough? That there's no room for my kid I can be in the exact same room as my kid and they can feel abandoned. And that's happened. Abandonment doesn't mean you leave your kid at the church door. Abandonment means you are not emotionally available because you are busy. What are you busy doing? You're busy trying to survive.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. And in a way, it's like not only neglecting your child's emotional needs, you're neglecting yourself. So how do you Right. Of course it extends to your children. That makes so much sense. Yes. I loved what you told me once, the main job that we have as parents is to get to know our children.
Liba Lurie:That's pretty much it. Yeah. Yeah, keep them away from, the edge of cliffs and get to know them. Keep those safe, basically. Like, keep them alive. Like, your house plants and your goldfish. But also, just
Rebecca Sigala:get to know them. Right. And you can't really do that when you don't get to know yourself. Like, that is,
Liba Lurie:that's it. I should say with compassion, it's not that you're not getting to know yourself, it's that there isn't a concept of it. And when I pursue this, what I find is that, Uhoh, I'm completely lost. And what do I do when I'm lost? I get scared. So what do I do when I'm scared? I don't know. What does anyone do when they're distressed? They get busy, they withdraw. And these are our adaptive patterns that are really important to get to know. So some of the work that I do is helping you to recognize your own patterns. What do I do when I'm in distress? Another question we asked was, well, how was I treated when I was in distress?
And then we could
Liba Lurie:say, wait, distress? I remember my process being like, oh, that's distress. I didn't know that that was distress. I thought that was just being me, like to be human. I didn't realize that this was distress. And in this state of mind, I needed, like every other human being, comfort, support, whether from the outside in or from the inside out. So that I could regulate myself, come back to my emotional baseline, you know, restore a sense of safety. I didn't have a concept of that.
Rebecca Sigala:It's almost like parenting yourself first. It's 100 percent parenting yourself. Wow, I never thought of it like that. to become a better parent, like, To parent yourself better. To parent yourself better, yeah.
Liba Lurie:Yeah, but to parent yourself better means that, I'm required to identify the inner child, which sounds great in theory, but emotionally, what you've done is you have banished that little girl to the shadows because she's not good enough. Fuck you. That's not nice. You're not being very nice. Go get that kid. It's your responsibility. And what you're saying is
Rebecca Sigala:it's she doesn't exist.
Liba Lurie:You don't allow her to exist. Yeah. Yeah. Of
Rebecca Sigala:course she exists, but you're not. Yeah. You're not allowing her. Not
Liba Lurie:only does she exist. I don't know if she exists, but she needs attention. She needs attention. And the way that we relate to that need for attention is how we were related to. I was related to that need for attention. Like, I don't just me alone, right? You're a burden. And when I got the attention, it really wasn't very satisfying. It was quite self centered, you know, give me a hug because I need a hug. Mm.
You know, there was no real to serve me. Yeah. Attunement,
Liba Lurie:yeah. Serve me. There wasn't real attunement like, I'll pay attention to you because I get something out of it. Yeah. Not because this is my role and responsibility and you have this need. There was no concept of that in the emotional environment that I grew up in. And I don't blame anybody for it. It just is what it is.
Rebecca Sigala:Right. And if you have a difficulty like being present or being in your body, then that makes those opportunities to be there for your kids harder too.
Liba Lurie:That's right. A hundred percent. So for me, in my journey, going back to the beginning of our conversation, it was about recognizing that I wasn't giving my kids what I knew they needed, and I knew that they needed it because I needed it. I knew was, what I did know was that I didn't get what I needed growing up.
Yeah. And
Liba Lurie:then I saw my kids weren't getting it either, and that I did not have the capacity to give it to them. So I was going to hell or high water do what I needed to do because I. I owed it to them and I owed it to myself. And so I just did not, one thing about me is I'm very tenacious. And, another beautiful thing about this journey is you get to know yourself like, Oh, I'm really actually this. I didn't know this about myself. Cause no one ever, though people did reflect back to me. I just didn't listen to them. Like I didn't trust anybody. Like I got to a certain age, like five. And I was like, I'm done with people. The ripe old age of five. Yeah, I mean, that's usually when it happens. When it happens, and the kids are just like, I'm done with you. I know your limits. You're limited. There is room for repair. That is the fifth step of my framework. There is room for repair. I have repaired relationships with myself and with my children and continue to do so as they grow. how I got here was because I was a hundred percent going to give my kids what I knew they needed. Not because I needed it, but because I wasn't going to let them down. I wasn't going to hurt my kids the way I was hurt. Yeah. And even though I did hurt them the way I was hurt, I wasn't going to keep doing it.
Rebecca Sigala:Right.
Liba Lurie:I go, well, uh, well, you
Rebecca Sigala:know, it was
Liba Lurie:just a little hard. I wasn't
Rebecca Sigala:going to do that. sounds like boomer vibes.
Liba Lurie:Yes. I love that boomer vibes. Well, like, yeah, it was just a little bit too hard. You know, I did the best that I could, which is true, which is true. I'm going to do better, I'm going to do better, I'm going to do better because that's my job as a parent. It's like, I brought these children into the world, I owe it to them.
Rebecca Sigala:I owe it to them. what do you wish that more women would understand?
Liba Lurie:Well, it depends on the woman because there are different women, different stages of their journey. One message is. No one is coming to do this for you. No one is coming to do this for you. This is all you, which is good because I have total faith in you that you have the capacity to show up for yourself, show up for your kids, and to, lead a satisfying life. Yeah, I think, many of the messages I said here that I would repeat is that parenting is not about doing. It's about being, it's about a relationship. It's about being able to be present in a relationship, which for many of us means figuring out what a relationship even is because we never experienced a relationship, a balance. 100%. Healthy mutually satisfied relationship. We don't even know what that is. So I encourage you to pursue an understanding of that, not just in your brain, theoretically, but in your body, emotionally, to experience a mutually satisfying relationship where you feel felt, where you experience the experience of being understood, being loved, being cared for, being held accountable. That someone's going to call you on your shit. They're not just going to let you do whatever you want. Because that, my friend, is a real act of love. It's
Rebecca Sigala:such a beautiful part about therapy and coaching and those types of relationships that I think a lot of people who haven't experienced it. They don't realize that's such a big part of it.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. Yeah, and
Rebecca Sigala:As being seen like that.
Liba Lurie:Yeah. And I imagine the thought is well, yeah, that's for everyone else. But what about me? It's a good question. Go find out. Yeah, you know and as I said the journey I took on was a quest. It was a risk. I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew that, there was a treasure at the end, like at the top of the mountain and I had to go get it. And I didn't know what I was going to come up against, but I had my sword in hand and I was going to go for it because to not go for it was like death.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah.
Liba Lurie:There was no point of living. Life had no meaning if I wasn't, going to really, truly enjoy. Life and relationships, mainly the relationship I have with myself. And I, I certainly couldn't live with myself knowing that I had. Hurt my children the way I was hurt and continue to do so. You don't continue to perpetuate
Rebecca Sigala:it. I deeply relate to that. I think that this conversation is, every conversation with you, I love. Always so deep and inspiring and I'm really glad that You were able to come on today and I'm really grateful that you were willing to share these beautiful and vulnerable parts of yourself and your journey. And I know that so many women are going to take so much. I hope that they're going to take so much from this conversation. I know that I did. Yes, me too. And I'd love to just, give them an opportunity to connect with you. Like if they resonated with things that you said today, they want to look you up. Where can people find you?
Liba Lurie:Well, you can find me on my website, libalurie.com. You can stalk me on Facebook and Instagram. I show up there and, you can also, get on my mailing list. And, get access to my course vault, which includes my four most requested workshops.
Rebecca Sigala:they're like pre recorded.
Liba Lurie:They are. They are pre recorded workshops I've given live. There's, boundaries that work. There's sibling rivalry resolved. Taming tantrums and listen up. How to get your kids to cooperate without losing your voice or your sanity. Love that. Yeah, I think that you could leave a link somewhere.
Rebecca Sigala:Yes, definitely. And
Liba Lurie:You'll give me your email and I will send you the download and then you'll be on my list and, you know, you can stick around. Or not, either way. That's how you can get access to me.
Rebecca Sigala:That's awesome. So what are ways that people can actually work with you? Like, do you have, one on one experiences. Do you have group experiences? Like what, what's going on in your world right now?
Liba Lurie:So I offer a live program in Jerusalem. I also offer one on one work to individuals as well as to couples. So I will work with, couples, co parents. And individuals and it's usually based on your needs. So I invite people into a consultation call with me. It's free. There's no commitments. Half an hour. You'll tell me what's going on for you. And I'll tell you how I think I can help. And if it feels like a good match, we'll move ahead and we'll, go out on our quest together. Awesome. Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:Awesome. Thank you so much. This has been so great. And I am so happy that all of these people get to meet you in a way for the first time. And I hope that everybody heads over to Liba's social media, and gets to know her even more because I have just gained so much from not just working with you, but knowing you and being in your orbit. And yeah, highly, highly recommended. So thanks, Liba thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you so much. And thank you everyone for listening.