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The Body Image Revolution
The Body Image Revolution
Who Cares What the Neighbors Think With the Disabled Dreamer
In this episode, we explore gender, masculinity, femininity, vulnerability, mental health, disability, and how all that ties into body positivity and embracing our sexuality. Sam-Jude (they/he) is also known as the Disabled Dreamer, and openly shares about his life with Cerebral Palsy, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression. I have loved being a part of Sam's journey since his boudoir experience in 2022, and I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
Follow Sam-Jude on Instagram: www.instagram.com/disabledreamer
www.disabledreamer.com
I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalaboudoir
Hey everyone, welcome to The Body Image Revolution. I'm so happy to be back, and I'm so excited about this conversation. This conversation with Sam-Jude, also known as the Disabled Dreamer, has been something I've been looking forward to for such a long time. I freaking love Sam. He's just so refreshingly real, and I love how they share their life as a queer person, as well as how open they are about their mental health, and navigating cerebral palsy and chronic pain. Both online and in their everyday life. I love hearing them speak because they're not only honest with other people and everyone around them, but just so honest with themselves. Sam and I, we've had such a natural connection from the first time that we spoke, and it's pretty evident when you listen to this conversation how well we vibe and how much fun we have talking to each other. When he first contacted me for a boudoir experience, we spoke a lot about what that would mean for them, because this was something outside of their comfort zone, and not something that he would have considered in the past, but you'll see in this conversation that he mentions that it was something that was... Really scary for him. And because of that, it was something that he really wanted to do. And in our first conversations, we spoke a lot about exploring masculinity and femininity and how we would express those elements of themselves in the experience and in the photos. And I just learned so much from him. And I know that you guys are going to as well. I hope you enjoy our conversation. I know that men and women and non binary people from all walks of life will be able to gain from Sam and all the beautiful concepts that we talk about here. Enjoy. I'm so excited for this conversation, honestly, just to talk to you, because I feel like from the beginning, like our first even contact on Instagram, I feel like we really connected. And then once we had our consultation, I was like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. This is going to be such an incredible experience. So I was just thinking this morning, I'm like, I just get to talk to Sam today. I'm so
Sam-Jude:excited. Same. I was definitely like, Oh, it's so good. Yeah, definitely. Even from when we started on Instagram to that first meeting was definitely I was like, Oh, I vibe with this person. So yeah, it was really fun to really like connect and then be able to keep connecting because I think that's also what's so hard in today's day and age is like everyone is on Like speed. And I think sometimes on social media, you can create like authentic connections. Like, I think we definitely created an authentic connection over social media, but I think it can be hard. And sometimes it can feel like a connection, but not really be a connection. But then once we like have a zoom meeting and then work together, I was like, Oh, okay. This is like, this is the real deal in the best way. Oh,
Rebecca Sigala:so good. I can't wait to get into that experience and like your story and all of that. I honestly don't even know where to start. Do you want to share a little bit with people like who you are and where you were born, where you were raised? Just like a little bit about you.
Sam-Jude:Yeah, sure. So my name's Sam. I was born in California. I was raised there till I was 11. And then we picked up and moved across the world to Israel to Ramat Bechemesh, which was a choice, definitely a choice. Oh my God. And I have cerebral palsy. At this point, I use a wheelchair most of the time to get around, but I do do some walking. I'm pretty active on social media talking about mental health and disability. I hate stigmas and I hate the fact that everyone's like just be quiet and blah blah blah and then every time someone dies by suicide everyone's like oh my god we should speak about it more I'm like yeah but you really like shame everyone for speaking about it the rest of the time so I've always just been like I I hate this like I think I started somewhat Reactionary in a way to like the system and like also where I grew up in my house, et cetera, everything was like silence and don't say, and everything's terrible, like, you know, hide everything. And I'm just like, but everyone else is dealing with the same stuff and like nothing ever good breeds in silence. Yes, you might have a really good idea that reason silence, but like, I don't think any real healing happens in silence. It doesn't mean that all the healing has to be super public, but I think if you're stuck in the shame of someone knowing something else. Something about you, or this and that, like, you're hiding yourself from yourself to some extent, I think it's definitely. Yeah, I think there's this
Rebecca Sigala:quote that's just coming to my brain, which is like, shame dies in places where stories are able to be told. And I totally relate to that, it's like, the silence just breeds more shame, and this feeling that like, there's something wrong with me. You know, are there's something wrong with what I'm going through versus just being able to like be authentic and share who you are and have someone else see that and like Accept you as you and then the shame is able to go away.
Sam-Jude:Yeah, exactly. And I think, you know, people are like, oh, so you do it for like other people's acceptance. I'm like, I don't care if anyone else ever accepts me. That's not the point. I've learned to excel myself through processing things publicly. And also I don't care about amounts. Like I know everyone's all about. Numbers and virality and social media and all the things. I'm like, I don't care if one person messaged me saying what you said, help me like, that's the point of it. Like, I think we got stuck so much and today people are like, Oh my God, I can't believe you're happy with like a hundred views on Tik TOK. I'm like, I don't care if I have a hundred views on take that. That's a hundred people who wanted or needed to hear the message. Like, I think we really have gotten so stuck on like. If not, if millions of people are hearing what I have to say, it's not valuable. And I, DACA think when you get the message from one or two people from the email list, you said, wow, I needed to hear that message. And the one person who doesn't even have a photo on their Instagram, but who messaged me the DM saying, thank you for saying that out loud. Cause I needed to hear it. And I wish I had the ability to say it out loud. Like that's the point of the messaging. Like, I think we've really gotten so lost from. I'm trying to impact one person, like my point is to keep one more person up there and realizing that they're not alone.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, I totally relate to that. And I feel like there is actually even a power in having a smaller audience, the fact that like you and I connected on social media, what if I had like 50, 000 followers, there's a chance that I wouldn't be able to have as powerful as connections with, you know, people who contact me because it's just the volume is so much
Sam-Jude:higher. Yeah, like it's always quality over quantity and I think that, you know, people preach that, but then they're like, but you have to hit 10k and you have to hit this and then people, you know, got all upset on Instagram when like, smaller people could use links and I was like, but do you need 10, 000 people to listen to you? Cause they're not listening to you. Like I keep on following people just because I was like, I am following too many people and I'm not hearing the messages I want to be hearing. Like at some point, you know, your time on social media is short and you don't actually have time to be listening to that many people. And I definitely think like when you have the small circles, yeah, it really does breed, I think like a deeper level of connection. And I think it's the same thing with like likes or comments. Like sometimes people take it as discouraging. They're like, Oh, I only 10 people liked my post. I'm like. Again, you have no idea what the reaction is on the other side. Maybe this has a lasting impact on someone else. And they can't say that out loud yet. You
Rebecca Sigala:could have saved someone's life, like one person's life. That's
Sam-Jude:incredible. You know what I mean? Like it's a, yeah, it's very powerful to realize that like you have that impact. And, you know, people are like, Oh, it's too authentic. We should only share this or we only share that. And people have, you know, managed to somehow twist it around to be like, if you're sharing vulnerability and all these other things, you're like sharing it for the clicks, I'm like, I don't get clicks. I'm like, I don't care. I think you've twisted the value of vulnerability into something that. You're trying to like monetize it. So you think somehow if I'm being vulnerable, I'm trying to turn it into something. I'm like, maybe we could just let everything be what it is and not try to twist it into like something else. It's like, yeah, you can be vulnerable. You know, we went full circle. It's like, no, don't be vulnerable on social media. Then everyone's vulnerable. And then the complaint is like your vulnerability for like to be viral. Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:I'm this like Buzzword. And yeah, a lot of even big companies are using vulnerability in order to sell. And that is such a good point because it almost makes it seem like, well, what's her intention behind this, which kind of sucks because it's hard to be vulnerable. And you see in my posts too, like I really share a lot and it's not for clicks. It's not. To, you know what I mean? I mean, obviously I'm a business, but it's not to monetize. It's really to share from my heart. And yeah, it kind of sucks to think that people are like, Oh, she's actually not being authentic
Sam-Jude:in her vulnerability. That's weird. Right. I think it also stems from a lot of fear. I think it also like. There sometimes is a reaction to like, well, if she's doing that, then I have to do that. Right. Everyone's like, well, if they're doing that, then I have to do that. And if you follow all these coaches, it's like jump on the trend and this and that. And I think some people are very afraid of vulnerability. So instead they try to weaponize it against the people who are willing to put themselves out there and share. And it turns into like, well, I could never do that. So I'm going to like. Rag on it, you know, in the same way of like people would bully you for like feeling feelings and like the artist kids and the kids who would feel their stuff and you know, like the kids who are raised in families where they're not allowed to do that, you know, they'd be the crap out of them because so it's like the same thing in the playground. We've just right has moved to social media. It's making other people
Rebecca Sigala:smaller, putting other people down because of your own insecurity. But wow, that's a really good point. Really good point. So, what does social media mean for you? First of all, I love your name, Disabled Dreamer. Incredible. The moment I thought, I was like, wow, that's really, it just hit me. Yeah, so what does your platform mean for you and what kind of messages do you want other people to... Receive from the stuff that you're
Sam-Jude:putting out. I don't even remember where I started. I mean, I started with like a private account where it just posted like random stuff. And at some point I think I realized, you know, everyone's like, no one talks about disability, no one talks about mental health and there are people. And I was like, you know, I follow a bunch of people who speak about this stuff. So to me, I'm always like, am I just a small fish in a big pond? Just saying the same stuff over again. Um, I think it, for me, it's always started very. Personal of like, I wish someone had told me this or I wish someone was saying this and I had heard it.
Rebecca Sigala:How did you get to that point in your own journey, I guess, with your mental health, that you were like, okay, now I actually feel like I have something to share with
Sam-Jude:other people? I should go back at some point and see which was the first like mental health post. I mean, I struggled for forever and in our house and stuff like that, you know, meds were really not. Unaccepted thing. Like, I remember them taking me to a psychiatrist cause my psychologist was like, she needs to go to a psychiatrist. And I got so much pushback about taking like the most basic, like Ciprolex or whatever, like the first one is that they like put everyone on. And I was just like, yeah, of like taking the meds. And I was just like, if I'm getting pushed back internally, there's no way that society is like gung ho about it because there was so much impact of like, well, what is this going to think? And what's that going to think? And it was like, I don't care like I think we care too much and it was like the same thing when I posted a video when I went into the psychiatric hospital for the first time and like we had family friends who like called my mother and was like you have to get her to take it down you have to get her to take it down right now she's never going to get a job she's going to ruin everything and I was like I don't want a job where my boss is terrified of the fact that I went to a psych ward. Like I'm not putting myself in that space and I'm not bringing that shame that generations have held on to me. Like I refuse to take your baggage and your shame and your inability to process and think that everyone else's life is somehow perfect and you're the only one struggling. And I was terrified, even though it still feels shitty, right? And I think it was like, you have so much shame going to hospital. Like, not that I even watched a whole lot of psychiatric, like thriller movies type thing, but that's what, like the images that you have in your head. And like, mind you, some of the psychiatric hospitals in Israel could have a horror film made out of them. Um, that's terrible. But I think Breaking the silence is the only way you're going to change what's going on there. Like I'm part of a group on Facebook who talks about and is constantly pushing and finding. I mean, I like really lucked out on how I was treated in all of these places and I went to a couple of good ones and one bad one, but the silence again is what kills everyone. And everyone, the next day is like, you know, we're talking in school. And I spoke last year about mental health. And one of the first few lessons with my students. And then like a student committed suicide in different schools, so like halfway through the year and we had like this whole school meeting and everyone was like, well, I don't know if we should talk about it and it's going to convince someone else to commit suicide. And I'm like, that research is a hundred years old. The only thing you're doing by not talking about it is keeping kids in silence. And those are the kids who are the most. Like my favorite message was from a student who actually switched schools at the end of this year and messaged me right before the start of the school and he was like, thank you for being like a safe space for mental health. Like your last lessons helped me the most with my mental health this year. I was like, that's what I want out of my students. I would love you to learn English. But if I created, like, a safe space for you to feel like you could message me and tell me you're not doing well and a safe space to have a discussion and realize that you can take that home or go somewhere else with it, and I remember, like, getting pushed back and I was like, I don't really care if you don't. Like, or know how to talk about mental health because I do and I've lived it and everyone's like, Oh, you talked about living experiences. I'm like, yeah, that's the point. You're supposed to show everyone else that you've gone through it and come out of the other side and continue to go through it. Like part of it is always just like showing up. It's the same thing. I feel like with your art and stuff like that, where it's like, my God, could you possibly do that and show up and like that? And when you can show up for yourself, that's like the real way you get to show up for other people. And I think that's. Really quite lost. That's so true.
Rebecca Sigala:Do you think that the shame and the silence that you experienced in your childhood and within your family had to do with the generation or with religion?
Sam-Jude:I think a combination of both. I think people had gone through stuff and chosen to kind of like find religion as a way to kind of escape or somewhat use that as a tool to like what they consider process their struggles, which I don't think is an actual tool to process your stuff like girl you need to go to therapy. Go to therapy. Like you actually need to process your trauma because if you don't process it you pass it down knowingly or unknowingly and it's your job to be the cog in the machine that stops the machine and I think that it's hard no one says it's easy but I think that definitely played a part in it like there was a lot of what are the neighbors gonna say I'm like I don't care like they're not in my life like You It's also like, I hear you, you're valid, but it's my life, not yours. People are like, oh my gosh, your parents. And what are they going to think? I'm like, I don't know, but they don't have to like my life. I have to like my life. I'm the one living it.
Rebecca Sigala:It's kind of a combination between the generational trauma that you're talking about or just the trauma that your parents might have experienced in their lives and religious culture not making it easy to get help, to process things, to talk about things. It's kind of like the combination of the two. Is that
Sam-Jude:what you're saying? Yeah, definitely. I remember being in the psych ward, I think it was the second time. And actually, our neighbor happened to be, like, doing her stage there for, like, occupational therapy or whatever, and I remember freaking out, and then realizing, like, oh my god, she's gonna know, and I was like, this is the whole thing you counteracted, but it was so easy to fall back into that, oh my god, the neighbor's gonna know, and I was like, ooh, you posted a video about it on the internet, like, But you're like, but the community, no, they don't have Instagram, they don't have Facebook. And it was such an interesting kind of perspective to look back on and be like, well, somehow you got back sucked into that cycle of like, the neighbors are going to know. I'm like, you're never going to see them again. Who cares? And also. Like I looked back on that reaction. It was like, wow, it's such a flip of a switch to get back into that mindset of like, but the neighbors, but this, and they're going to know you're struggling with your mental health, like, who the hell cares? So is everyone else? Like, it's not right. That shame gets so deep so fast.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, absolutely. And so what do you think gave you that courage to realize that that wasn't something that you wanted to adopt for yourself because it still feels shitty.
Sam-Jude:I think it just really doesn't. work for me, like physically didn't work for me. Like I have like these visceral physical reactions to certain things. Like one of the times I went to the psych ward, it was like, I viscerally couldn't stand how I felt in my body. And I needed to sit down and like break down what wasn't working in my body. And it was like a whole gender, like. Breakdown, but like that needed to happen because I couldn't handle being in my body. And I think, you know, people are like, well, why do you process all this stuff? Why do you like analyze everything? And I'm like, cause I can't physically not do it. And I'm like, I don't know. You're
Rebecca Sigala:like, I didn't have a choice. Yeah.
Sam-Jude:And I mean, the, the choice was to like, not live in that way of like, it just doesn't work. And. I think it's like you're not willing to sit in that utter discomfort in yourself. I'm like, okay, so you have to like break down everything you knew about yourself and then put yourself together back in a completely new way. And I think that's very terrifying to people because I think in general the idea of breaking down and completely breaking down. It's terrifying because everyone's always, you know, being preached about how to put yourself together and put on a fake face and just keep going. And I think that is so poisonous because then everyone turns around and everyone is like, Oh my God, but he was the smiliest person and he was dancing all the time. And I was like, because that's the image society accepted of them. And then it's, you know, two days after their suicide and they're like, Oh, I can't believe they committed suicide. They looked so happy. I was like, have you looked at their eyes? I'm always so interested to see people. And I'm like, Can you look past the smile? Like, because to me, I guess I always see a lot of like emotions in people's eyes, which I think can like freak people out. I'm like, I know how you're doing. Like, I can see it in your face. Um,
Rebecca Sigala:I had that experience actually a couple of days ago when I was photographing someone. I'm like, should I say something? What should I say? Like, you know what I mean? It's like, you feel it, I guess, you know, being an empathetic person like that. It's It's a blessing and a
Sam-Jude:curse. Oh, it's definitely a blessing and a curse. There are so many times where I'm like, I don't really want to know this person's feelings. I would like to go about my day and not feel someone else's struggles and things. And like, I don't have space to hold you, but I also inherently just do it without wanting to. I have to learn how to create those boundaries so hard. Oh yeah, that's definitely like such a process and I think what people also don't necessarily see like on social media and they're like, Oh, I can't believe like you share that. I'm like, yeah, but I get to process it and share it. And I think it's very interesting. I'm not processing and sharing necessarily in real time. I think I used to do more of that. I think just the way my life works right now with like between work and school, I'm definitely not always processing things like live, but I think there's also value in processing things live and have it just be messy. Like, I think it doesn't always have to be wrapped up in like a really nice organized thought process, which like it can be. And sometimes that's
Rebecca Sigala:helpful. Right. Yeah. I talk about that a lot because a lot of the things that I post are after something happened, I'm able to process it. There's kind of like a nice little beautiful message that I can share with it. And that's vulnerable on some level for sure. But then. The next level of vulnerability is like, well, I'm actually going through this thing right now. I don't know how the fuck to think about it. I haven't fully processed it here. I'm showing up, you know, and that can be really, really powerful. I think it does. I mean, at least for me, I like the combination of the two because I feel like they both provide value in their own way, but yeah, yeah. I talk about that a lot. And I think that like you said, they really are. Both important. And it's hard to show up if you're like processing things. And I don't even actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not even sure if like, that's always the most helpful thing, but I do think that it is important to also show that. Does that
Sam-Jude:make sense? Yeah. I think sometimes the posts that resonate are the ones that are just like, I haven't figured it out. This is what I'm going through. I think there is a balance of it. I also think. That like, either way, you can't put too much emphasis or focus on either one. Like, I think also people need to remember, like, it's a social media post, and like, it's, you know, however many characters it is. And that like, it has a value for what it is, but not to put too much, like, emphasis and power on it. It's like, it's a scroll, it's a pass, you're gonna see it once or twice, and like, it's gonna be moved on, and it might have a quick, meaningful impact, it might not, and that's okay. It doesn't... Need to have something super specific. And like, if you don't resonate with it, that's fine. Like I think everyone gets so stuck on like the inability to just scroll past. If something doesn't work with you for the day. So true.
Rebecca Sigala:So true. I'm excited to like, talk about, I guess, the way that you have viewed your body within your story and also how food war played into that as well. What did you think when you first saw my page?
Sam-Jude:Curious. I was very like, oh, that's like a lot of showing up. I don't even know how I fully, I found your Instagram. People always ask me like, how did you find me? And I'm like, I don't honestly remember. Like you find too many people. Um, yeah, exactly. I think. I was just like, Oh, I'm really impressed with these people, like being able to show up in their bodies. And I think especially your page where it definitely is not just showing what society deems is like models. And I was like, Oh, I never do that. And then whenever I say that to myself, I'm like, well, you should turn around and definitely do that. I think it took me a while to figure out to like, let myself do that. But I think there is definitely, there's like a powerful vulnerability because you are showing them. Like obviously your photography is anyway, like amazing. So you really do photograph, like show people and they're really like most powerful, like you can really see that they're shining through inside out rather than like outside in. So I think that definitely resonated of like, yes, they're showing their body. But if you look at like what's coming out of what they feel is like a lot of empowerment. And I think that's really what resonated of like, there's some kind of key here. There's some kind of magic in finding the personal empowerment. In a bunch of people who look completely different. And wanting to highlight that, like, I think I also saw your page, like a desire to highlight the differences and the empowerment that each person had in that.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, totally. I think there's like the stereotypical male gaze where it's like objectifying. And I do say stereotypical because not all males are like that. But I just mean like. There's this kind of way of looking at a woman's body that can be very objectifying or just any person's body. And I think that the intention is, is huge because if that person is coming and they're doing it for themselves and it is because they want to be in their body and they want to feel good about themselves and they want to see themselves from a new perspective. Like you feel that in the picture versus just like, I'm going to take a sexy picture right now.
Sam-Jude:Right. It's definitely for, you can see that the individual is doing it for themselves, even if they share the photos and you tell wonderful stories about sharing it with partners, but the angle is definitely always coming from, I'm doing this for me and to see myself in a different light. And like if other people see me in a different light, that's wonderful, but it's definitely not looking at it from. Like the external perspective of, Oh, like this photo is going to end up on social media. Therefore I have to look a certain way. It's like, no, I'm going to show my inner power and like that kind of thing. I think it's also powerful on your page, like seeing how everyone embodies like their self empowerment in a completely different way. Even if you're saying like, they're all stereotypical, like somewhat cisgender women, like there still is such a difference. And. widespread different view of how people feel empowered. And I think that's a powerful look because I think in society we're really showed like this one way to show up as like the empowered women and the she boss and this that whatever. And I think it's gotten so watered down and I think the ability to really show up in that way, like show up authentically as you are, you're not trying to cookie cutter, put everyone in the same lingerie and the same pose and the same whatever. There's very much. Like the individuality.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah, that, that identity aspect of it is so cool to me. Like when people are like, I want to explore my femininity more, or I want to explore my masculinity more. I'm just like, that is so awesome because we've been put into these boxes and we have all of these labels and people don't really feel the. They haven't given themselves the permission to be something else or really be themselves because of whatever was put on them, the messages that they have, the stories that they have about themselves. Um, and so what I really like to provide for people is this space to just explore something different, you know, people are like, Oh, should I wax before my boudoir session? I'm like, do you normally wax? No. Well, but I've seen magazines like this, this and this. And I'm like, No, if you don't wax and do not wax, like this is you, we want to document you. We want to celebrate you as you are and kind of let go of all of those stories and all of that pressure to be something that we're not.
Sam-Jude:Yeah. I found that super interesting. Cause I remember in our first meeting, I was like, I'm going to do this like very androgynous and non binary look and blah, blah, blah. And then I ended up showing up and we had a completely different shoot. Um,
Rebecca Sigala:tell me about that. I really want everyone to hear this too.
Sam-Jude:I think it was really power like, I had been on a non binary journey of like, fuck gender, and like, the stereotypes, and what I'm supposed to fit into, and like, this very specific which I think I was fearful of, like, I'm going to look so feminine. And so this, and so that, and then I was like, okay, but like your femininity and masculinity, a doesn't define gender. And like, gender is a whole other journey. And like, I had a random post about it and like, I have a private account at this point, cause I'm like documenting another journey that's not for like completely public thing, um, at this point. But I think I felt this pressure of like, okay, I'm in this like androgynous flow zone and I feel like I really shouldn't. I don't know. It did. It had that like pressure of like, okay, this is where I feel like gender wise. This is how I want to like show up and feel because like you can't have that like femininity. Like to me, the femininity still at that point was very like society kind of pressurized into what it is and what it means. I
Rebecca Sigala:totally see that too, because I feel like our own femininity has been weaponized against us and. To be very girly or to be very feminine almost feels like we're just falling into like a trap of what other people expect of us versus like is this really powerful to me but it can be very powerful for people but it's just very much tied up in like what the media says and what people have told us we should be. Does
Sam-Jude:that make sense? Yeah and I think femininity has been weaponized for both sides. Like I, I actually follow like a bunch of Male gay people who present feminine because like as society, it's like, it's so wrong. That's so this I'm like, why who owns paint on nails who owns high heels. I was like 100 years ago, you know, 400 years ago, it was, you know, yeah, it was the kings who are wearing high heels, but we've decided in like You know, society has evolved and men have evolved and women have evolved, but everyone's kind of like still playing and labeling these games, right? It's pink and blue and this game for that person and that game for the other. And it was a very interesting process to realize, Oh, I can reclaim this. And it doesn't have to have any strings attached. Like, I think that's been really fun on this gender journey of realizing, like you're already saying. Fuck society. So you can say fuck society in every single access and process. And like, I got my nails done when I was by my grandmother in America. And we had just talked about like being more trans and mask. And I was like, but it's just nail paint. Like we've decided that only women can paint their nails and what we've decided as women in society, and they're the only ones who can paint their nails. So therefore you've decided it's a very feminine thing to do and only women do it. And I was like, but what about painting nails? Like why did we decided a gender? Okay. So, and so it's been really fun to be in that space where it's just like another layer of unpacking society and like your society's unintentional thoughts. And I think that was definitely in the beginning of the process where I was like, I have to outwardly say, fuck what society thinks about gender. And then I kind of got to show up in my body and I was like. This is pretty fun. This is pretty cool. I like the makeup look. It was really fun.
Rebecca Sigala:We went more dramatic on the makeup than we thought we would,
Sam-Jude:right? Oh yeah. I was like, oh, we're going to do natural. We're going to do this. And then I was like, no, no, hold on. Let's have fun. And it was really cool. Cause actually I really loved those photos. And I took like selfies of myself that day. And I was like, I really love this look. And I was like, I don't have the skills or desire to do this every day. Cause like, I don't have the mental health and physical health spoons to do this, but it was a really cool thing. Cause I was like, Again, yes, we've decided that, you know, full faces of makeup are only what women do at this point. And again, it's like, who cares? Great. Like if I'm already going to say like, fuck this society that I was raised in, cause it's like so distorted and doesn't really play by anyone's rules. Then you get to say that even with the external society at large. And I think that like following the things just because society says so, I think the struggle is that it definitely is. Like an underlying thought process because it's constantly shared towards you that you don't necessarily think that and you have to actively like question your thoughts. Like, why can't I be feminine in this? And like, again, define femininity, right? Like we're like, you can redefine the whole process of like, okay, I get to show up in my body like this. And you can explore the inner feeling of what you would decide of like a more feminine side without Bringing along the entire, you know, baggage from everyone else. It's almost
Rebecca Sigala:like if you're like exploring your gender, you can still be caught up in the societal views of like gender norms, femininity, or masculinity, even as you're like, figuring out yourself. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, definitely. Yeah.
Sam-Jude:Because the process of redefining things.
Rebecca Sigala:You're still stuck in, you're still stuck in what's, what's a woman, what's a man, what's feminine, what's masculine, versus like, what feels good to me? Why do I need these
Sam-Jude:labels? Right, exactly. And part of the process is definitely realizing like the first part really is like, you're always exploring, okay, what's like society's definition of like the other gender and like, okay, it's shopping men's clothes and do this and do that. I mean, anyway, it's like a fun process, but in general, the first kind of process of like, decolonization almost of gender is definitely like playing the other side, right? And then you realize that there are no sides and you get to just like paint with all the colors and like not really care what, um,
Rebecca Sigala:the reaction is. I feel like I got to experience that on my own journey, like a different way. It's just like going to an extreme and then kind of like figuring it out
Sam-Jude:myself. Yeah. And I think that kind of constantly evolves. Like, I think it's really cool to like, look back on those photos and be like, Oh, I'm a different person, but also I'm the same kind of person in those photos. And I remember freaking out about certain things. I remember being like, Oh, I don't want you to touch up. Cause I was like, this is the body as is right now. And there were certain parts of it where I was just like, Oh, I don't really like my body right now. I should wait till I lose weight till I do that. And like, I've been gaining weight this past year anyway. So it was very ironic of like, this is who I am at the time and place. And I think it's powerful to a look back on that and be like, be fine with that. Like, I think it's looking back at the photos. It's been really cool to be like, Oh, I'm fine with that person. And I actually love that person in a picture. And I think that kind of was definitely a process that I didn't think I would ever be like, I don't know if I ever thought I liked Love the picture. Like, I think there were some pictures I was like, I want this photo, but I don't know if I'm ever going to like be fine with my fat rolls, this and my fat rolls that, and then I'm like, that's just how I am. That's who it is. And again, with like the deconstruction of like society, it's like what I like to be more fit more, yes, for my own personal thing, but I think. Being able to like embrace who you are at the moment, not waiting for your skin to supposedly be perfect and this and that which it never is because like everything is so volatile and especially in a disabled body like your body's never gonna show up the way that you deem that you want it and I think being able to show up and like press pause at that point in time and like not put pressure on it to like I don't have to look like that now I don't have to look like that but like When you get to like figure out how to love and embrace the part that you were then, I think it, it does have like this lasting impact on like acting so much more from a place of like love. And I think my evolution of treating my body from so much more of like, huh, let's give my body the grace and love it deserves because I love it versus like that shame aspect again like the whole process and I think like Boudoir definitely had such a strong impact on that. Which like, I don't necessarily think that I thought was going to happen. I was like, all right, we're going to like explode gender. This is a really cool birthday
Rebecca Sigala:thing. You did it. Like what made you take the leap to do this? Because your first thought was I would never.
Sam-Jude:Cause I, I, I'm a fan of doing things I'm scared of. I think, especially when you're internally scared and when I'm internally like, Oh my God, I would never do that. I would never put my body out there. I don't like how I look in these certain ways. Like they're only very specific parts of my body that I'm fine with. And I think, I mean, it's definitely just part of my personality of like, okay, fuck the first thought in your head because it's usually like the one out of fear. And I'm not a fan of living my life out of fear. I think it's coming from that society where everything is so fearful and everything is so this and I'm just like. But what if I did it anyway? Like, what if I was terrified and did it anyway? And that, like, the whole process of everyone's like, do the things they're scared of. So I'm like, alright, let's go. Let's do
Rebecca Sigala:this. Yeah, well, I think that you're also the type of person that has faced a lot of, like, physical and emotional discomfort, so you know you can handle it. And you know that you can grow from it. So you're just like, fuck it. I'm
Sam-Jude:gonna do it. Yeah, I mean, and I also, I felt very safe with you and in a space where I knew that I I could show up however I was that day also, and we could run with it. And there was just no expectation of like showing up in a certain way. And so I knew that I could also process how my body was or whatever. And like, there definitely was like that underlying thing of empowerment where even if like, obviously insecurities show up, et cetera, whatever, but it doesn't necessarily need to lead the narrative. Cause like you definitely created that space where. It was like, yeah, those can exist. They're valid. Like, I think that's also powerful if you're not like these feelings don't exist and it's like, yeah, feelings exist and they're fine and like totally accepted here and then you can give them space, but they don't have to take up the whole room because you've given them space so they don't need the whole room space.
Rebecca Sigala:Totally. Yeah, people are always constantly saying like, you're gonna hate me, but I want to lose weight. Like, you're gonna hate me. But I'm like, I have this insecurity. I'm like, why would I hate you? Like, it makes so much fucking sense. Like, this is the world that we live in. And it's not like I don't ever have these thoughts about my body, you know. And I like how you said that it's like they can exist. And also, that's not the whole story.
Sam-Jude:Yeah. And I, I think part of like my narrative is like giving space to the uncomfortableness of it. And like, I think that's the whole narrative of all the things that, you know, when I talk about disability or I talk about mental health, it's like, first of all, it's not always bad, but I think when you give this space and acknowledge it, you know, you acknowledge the, you know, the elephant in the room, then it takes up so much less space. And I think that's the kind of. Constant discussion of like, yes, this is harder. Like, I hate the narrative of like, you can overcome your disability. The only disability is a bad attitude. I'm like, no, the disability. It is. And I'm like, society makes it a lot worse when you have to like fight people for like curb cuts. And we can acknowledge that society is not. Helping the situation society makes the things a lot bigger when they're like, it doesn't exist. I'm like, you keep saying the thing doesn't exist, but it does. And acknowledging that these things exist and dealing with them head on actually makes them like, just take up a lot less space. Cause you create a wider space around it to process it and deal with it. And then it's just not. The only thing you can deal with. Like, I think I also have evolved with like what I share on Instagram, like in regards to disability. I mean, in the beginning it was funny, like I started university and my friends at some point were like, Oh, we don't even know like what your disability is or whatever. And I was like, Oh my God, I talk about my disability all the time. But you realize when you're talking about it in one space, it doesn't necessarily mean you're talking about it in other spaces. Like you got to show up kind of in different ways with that disability and stuff. It doesn't always have to be the whole thing. And you can share like both sides of it kind of thing.
Rebecca Sigala:Yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And it also kind of seems like through this food war experience, it has evolved for you, like you thought one thing at the beginning and then. You know, when you got there the day of, you felt another thing, and then you saw the pictures, you saw another thing, and then, now, you're even seeing it differently than when you first saw it.
Sam-Jude:like, Yeah, like, right after I did it, like, I wrote a post on my blog about, like, realizing that I had such a different reaction to my body in, like, the pool, which is, like, a very random Thing in one way, but it went away. It was like, Oh, I've like really reconnected to a part of my body. Like part of also doing the boudoir was like, I would like to be connected to my body. Like I had done a lot of trauma work and, uh, a lot of it was somatic work to like, come back to your body. Like so much of trauma and just growing up in a disabled body is that you dissociate a lot from it just to like, get through medical appointments, get through whatever. Like at some point you, and a lot
Rebecca Sigala:of it is like all the pain, probably. Yeah.
Sam-Jude:Yeah, I was the queen of dissociating from pain in my body and you like show up two days later. Like I remember helping my friend move and like a box like dropped on my foot. And I was like, Oh, I don't feel anything. And then like three days later, my foot was really hurting. And my friend was like, yeah, a box dropped on it. Remember when I was like, Oh, right. Oh my gosh. So I think being able to really feel the more uncomfortable things and allowing yourself to, it's kind of like put those neuropathways back together and allow emotion and a connection to like flow. Like I look at the pictures and like the process and I was like, Oh, my legs weren't annoying in the process. Like you kind of just got to feel like the whole thing together. And Your body kind of just existing as a whole. And there was a whole lot of energy of like reconnecting. It's like the pictures are all together. There's different parts are just upper body, lower body, but it was like, Oh, every part is beautiful and they all work together, you know? So there was definitely like a whole part of like reconnecting. And I think it wasn't even like a main focus on the day or that's whatever, but it was just being able to show up in that space of like. Flow and move your body this way and just like, let the energy kind of do it. That's
Rebecca Sigala:what I was curious about. Like, what was it like for you physically and emotionally during the actual session? Because you know, you're talking about that a little bit beforehand, like, okay, if you're in too much pain or just kind of taking things slow and checking in with each other, what was the actual experience
Sam-Jude:like for you? I think it was really good. I think it was very easy to like relax. There wasn't a whole lot of tension, which always helps lessen the pain when you're not dealing with like the tension backache, you know, to start with that like ends up just sending other pain up and down your body, like you were
Rebecca Sigala:already feeling pretty good that day physically.
Sam-Jude:Yeah, I think because you had created that space of like, all right, if we're in pain, we'll do something else. And I think, I mean, a, I just happened to have a good pain day, which was a great, I'm so glad my body is like cooperating today because we can handle it not cooperating, but it's always nice when it cooperates.
Rebecca Sigala:Maybe there is something about like knowing that you could do something different if it came up versus like being fearful of, Oh my God, I'm in this position. And what am I
Sam-Jude:This comes right, right. Exactly. And I was like, Oh, I might get a leg spasm or I might this, but there was also that space in the photo shoot where it wasn't like, Oh, we have 90 minutes to like get X amount of photos and X amount of this and like everything needs to happen. So there was definitely not like a pressure of like, Oh, if something happens, it's really gonna like mess everything up. Exactly. There's nothing that's really going to mess anything up. I mean, I was also just impressed really with like how my body like it really did. It really didn't play along and played its part perfectly showed up for you exactly which I think it was a really cool process and I think it also restored like a little bit of faith of like, you can do things with your body sometimes it won't show up at the times that it does, it's really fun and empowering and powerful and even if it's not all the time and you don't have to expect it to be all the time. Like just enjoy the times that it was like, I wasn't sitting on like the floor when we took the shots with my chair of like, Oh my gosh, what's going to be with my back tomorrow? Like there really was a powerful liability to just kind of really be in the moment and have fun with what is like the same thing with the makeup and the hair. Right. It was like, I wasn't going to turn around and be like, okay, that's my regular do just really embrace it and love it and have so much fun with it. And I think that was kind of like part of the whole process together.
Rebecca Sigala:Okay. It was kind of just like trusting yourself and your body in
Sam-Jude:the moment. Yeah. And realizing that it can be just in the moment. Also, like the photo shoot is just a moment in time. It's one day, but you can have the lasting impact with it, but it also can be one day that can have different impacts to different points in time. But just kind of reinforcing that idea that nothing is forever. The experience was incredible. It's a great birthday present. I was like, seriously, one of the best, if not the best birthday present I've ever given myself. Oh my gosh. But it doesn't have to be all the time. It's not something that then you need to turn into like a yearly experience, right? There's no pressure with it. You know, like, would it be fun to do like 10
Rebecca Sigala:years? This is the only experience, right? This is the only time I'm going to be documented. And so I need to get it right. It doesn't need
Sam-Jude:to be that either. Exactly. I mean, I think it was powerful and helpful that I had done a photo shoot that I had like one before that was like a very different style photo shoot. It was much more like a brand shoot, but I think it was already like learning to be in front of the camera and be like, Oh, this is just fun. Like, you just get to show up as yourself. And you don't have to love every part of yourself to show up for it. Like, You don't have to love me. Yes, I love that. Yeah, and it's a narrative that I felt in your post and all the things of it, not having to be like, I love how everything looks and how everything feels all of the time, therefore I'm going to document it, but being like, Yeah, I don't love every part of my body and I don't love how every part of my body looks in every photo, but I don't have to because I like the smile and I like the inherent feeling that came across in my photo. Like I say, I think like some photos I DAFCA chose because they made me somewhat uncomfortable when I looked at them and I was like, that's the photo you want. Again, like put yourself in that space where you look at it over and over again in different mindsets and. You even chose some for your
Rebecca Sigala:album that you felt that way, right?
Sam-Jude:Yeah, I think so. There were definitely shots where I was like, Oh, I think like on the bed, there were certain shots and I was like, and then I was like, but that's the shot you want, because that's the shot to some extent of like the power of the shoot. I mean, I loved all the photos. Like it took me forever to decide. Um, I was like, Oh, I can take them. They're so good. Yeah, it was so much fun. But I think there is that process of like, You're the first thought is like, Oh, I don't have like how this looks or I don't like how that looks. And I think it's being able to see past the first negative part in your brain and be like, No, but that's a really powerful shot because your legs look fucking awesome and like, they don't have to be XYZ to look XYZ and be surfer toned and no scars and no this and whatever. And like, that's not the point of it. And I think that like the first level of uncomfortability, it's like the same thing. It's like, okay, so sit in that uncomfortability for a second and don't just skip to the photo where you look great, but it doesn't have like the same necessarily like type of meaning. I think sometimes there's more meaning again, like Finding that meaning in the being uncomfortable. It's the same thing of like showing up online and showing it to all these places, like find the meaning in the uncomfortability of it all. It's not just
Rebecca Sigala:like, you know, people think, okay, I'm going to do the uncomfortable thing, but then I'm going to love every single picture, but. No. I mean, like, I hope people really love the pictures. And yeah, you do kind of have that general feeling of like, holy shit, like, these are amazing, right? But then there are going to be things that come up, you're, you're facing yourself, you're facing your insecurities, you're facing your body. And to like, welcome that discomfort, then it's also extremely transformative. And also, I just wanted to mention that, like, I'm very grateful for you for coming into this with this mindset of like just being open and allowing things to be what they are. Because I don't know if, you know, you're like saying I created the space, but you also came in and you created that dynamic in that space as well, where I got to create and not just be like, Oh my God, this needs to be masculine. Oh my God, this needs to be like a certain way. You know, you were just like, let it just be. And that's what I did, because if it needed to be a certain way, and I thought like you wanted to see something specific, it would have been much more difficult for me as well. And in that dynamic of just trusting, letting go, like trusting yourself, trusting me, and just the moment we were able to create something that was so authentic.
Sam-Jude:Yeah, you know, people have like their brand names and whatever, but I think it is like, I've always consistently been like, I want to show up authentically offline, online, anywhere. I also don't know how to show up any other way for myself or other people. I'm like, you will get the authentic. I'm like, it might be a touch of the TISM of like the inability to really mask and figure out how to like play everybody's game. But I'm like, I don't really care about playing everybody's game. Like everyone's game is really stupid. Okay. Maybe you should stop playing games. Like, I don't think it's worth playing those things. So I think it's powerful to be able to take that and even unpack like your own mindset and your own games that you've set up that you have to hit X, Y, Z. I think it was like that partnership, like the vibe that we had going together was able to like completely throw away narratives that we had walking into it per se and just have a whole lot of fun. Oh,
Rebecca Sigala:exactly. Yeah, it was so amazing. I really look back on that with such fond memories. So you were talking a little bit about like the wholeness, the connection with your body. What do you think in this boudoir experience cultivated that and how else do you cultivate that in your life?
Sam-Jude:I think it cultivated it, seeing, like, every part of my body was a part of it in a way, and it all played different parts of it.
Rebecca Sigala:Actually, like, I mean, I, I know that your thought completes that, but what comes to mind when you said that is, like, that we kind of, like, in a way, this body image stuff that we deal with, not because of ourselves, because of all the things that are put on us, we're, like, objectifying ourselves. It's like, I don't, like, That part of my body, you know, like my legs are this, my stomach is this versus like seeing yourself as a whole.
Sam-Jude:Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely part of that of like, Oh, I don't feel connected to this part of my body. And as someone who's dealt with like different types of assault, et cetera, on different ways, I think it's very easy to have like an upper body and a lower body. And that's always how my body, like my hips have gotten, have been this like blockade in my body of feeling and stuckness. Yeah. I remember you talking about that. And I think like they were a part of it and like different ways seated, lying down, et cetera. But they were never like the main focus of the thing. So they kind of just got to like be part of the flow and really just like loosen up. Like they weren't required to like be the main attraction. And like I wasn't being forced to like feel everything. But I think sometimes not being forced to like feel everything, let kind of feeling and process like flow through. So I think that's what created like a lot of connection in my body. Sometimes even focusing less on like what I was necessarily feeling in my body, because we were just flowing and moving and taking photos. It's not not feeling your body, but it's also not so focused on what is your body feeling in every single photograph. It's not like, what is that
Rebecca Sigala:emotion feeling? Like, what is that emotion in your body? It's like, I'm just, I'm
Sam-Jude:here. Right. And I think sometimes I'm definitely the someone who overanalyzes all of like whatever I'm feeling and my therapist is like, okay, you can just feel it. Like my thing. We don't always have to therapize yourself. Yeah, exactly. She's like, you don't have to do all the work before we get to therapy. Um, but I think in being those moments of really just feeling my body but not feeling my body too much like just It also can just exist, and it doesn't have to be too much or too little, and it just isn't up as is.
Rebecca Sigala:That's like such a deep concept.
Sam-Jude:Beautiful. Yeah, because I think, again, it's that society version of trying to fix everything. Like, your body is never enough as is. I was like, oh, I was using all these screens to fix my, I have sores everywhere, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, that's great. You should fix it anyway. But it doesn't necessarily matter when you show up on, like, the thing. Like, it doesn't have to necessarily impact it as much as you think it's going to impact the situation and the photoshoot and whatever. It In
Rebecca Sigala:the spaces where you're talking to people with like similar health struggles or cerebral palsy, do you see that they, you know, talk about their body image and how they feel about their body? I mean, I guess my question is, is like, I can imagine that you're up against more. It's harder to fully love and accept your body. And you're just saying it just like, Oh, like my body is enough. You know what I mean? And it's not, it's not that simple because it's a process that you've been through. But I guess like, how do you see those limitations in terms of like fully accepting your body? And what would you want to say to someone who is facing those limitations?
Sam-Jude:Oh, I think it's definitely not that simple. And it's not something that you feel one day and you feel the rest of your days. I think, especially with disability and like sexuality and embracing that sexuality, there definitely is like the double sidedness of that, where either people are like fetishizing you as a disabled person, or you are definitely a non sexual person and like, why would you ever like feel yourself in that way or want to be in a relationship or anything else? So it's definitely again, part of those like very two extremes. And no one knows how to play like in between. And I, so I think I definitely see that within the disability community of that struggle of the personal struggle to kind of love your body and feel your body. And I follow a bunch of different people who like work on that also, or have, you know, online people who like posted stuff in boudoir in a wheelchair. And people are like, why would you sexualize yourself like that? And it's like your inability to see them as a sexual being is like your own thing. But also, whoa, you're annoyed. You're annoyed with the fact that they feel. Like, they can be asexual beings is a bigger societal, like, issue of challenging them. That
Rebecca Sigala:pisses me off so much. I mean, and it happens in every space too. And I think, you know, when people are so offended by just women's bodies or Women being sexual and being open about it. It's kind of the same thing. It's like I'm upset that you that. Not the same thing. It's different, but like upset about something.
Sam-Jude:Yeah. I mean it's the same thing when you have like the queer community. It's like why? Why do you care if men are wearing nail polish? What is it challenging in you? Like what is Yeah, who care? If you don't wanna do it, don't do it. No one's telling you to. But I think there, that's like fear of challenging. You know, everyone's so terrified of being disabled or so terrified of being that and then being like, Oh, but you could live a full life and live as a, have your sexuality and everything. And I think it definitely challenges society as a version of like, there is one way to do this. There is one way to be female. There's one larger bodies.
Rebecca Sigala:If that's the same thing, it's so fucked up, I have nothing else to say. It's just so fucked up. And you know, people are like, Oh, what's body positivity? Like, is it just being positive about your body all the time? And like, really like the whole idea behind body positivity is that like every single person deserves to feel good in and about their body. That's it. And it seems so simple, but it's like, people actually don't want people who are disabled to feel good about their body. They don't want people in larger bodies to feel good about their bodies. And then I
Sam-Jude:asked them to challenge themselves, like, why? What does it bother you? Because then you feel like all the work you're doing is not enough, like, following different, like, fat influencers and people who talk about it. And it's, like, such an interesting notion of, like, Why does this bother you? Because then all the work that you're doing and the hundreds of hours in the gyms and the eating disorder that you have somehow don't seem worth it. And somehow you're upset that I'm not subscribing to society's rules like you are. And I'm like, great, but society rules are shit. And when you learn that you'll have a much better life. And I think it always annoys me when people are subscribed to them.
Rebecca Sigala:You know, when people say, Oh, well, it says more about them than it does about you. Like it's really true though, because it's a reflection of how they feel about themselves. And people are like, well, what does that really mean? Does that mean that they're not confident? And it's like, maybe they are confident in certain ways, but also holding on very tightly to their identity that they have. In the moment and being extremely harsh and critical about themselves on themselves, especially in this arena of like appearance and bodies and whatever it may be. And because they're so hard on themselves and because they make their lives a living hell, they think other people should have to do the same thing as
Sam-Jude:them. Does. It transfers across issues. It transfers to the religious community. When I've had conversations with people, I'm like, I have more faith in what you consider God than you do. And like, you're annoyed that I have a tattoo. Okay, I hear you. Okay. Like, you're living this life out of fear of like, I do X, Y, Z wrong and God's going to do this and God's going to do that. And I'm like, I just refuse to. Subscribe to your like relationship of fear with people. Like, I don't want to do that anymore because I don't want to have a relationship with fear with myself. And I don't think that the whole thing is going to crumble if like, I don't follow rules in your book that like. It's fine. They exist. And if they help you, no problem, but God exists beyond that. And your ability to have a relationship can exist beyond that. And I've had these conversations with people and I challenged their entire thing, and I'm like, I have more faith in the idea of I have a relationship with God, irregardless of the fact that I have a tattoo, because I don't think that God gives a shit and I think that God cares much more that I have these messages on myself that like, I keep myself going and I'm able to keep going in the world and have a positive impact on the world versus forcing my. Ideas of like hate and conformity onto someone else in order to understand your version of connection to God. Like you're free to have your connection to God. I would challenge you to find one that's healthier. I would challenge you to find
Rebecca Sigala:one. That really comes from you.
Sam-Jude:Yeah. Yeah. That's not defined. Again, I don't have any problem with you being part of society, my mother. So I'm like, you don't want to be part of society. I'm like, not this one. This one's trash. This one hides abusers. This one is refusing to stand up. Like this one's not a great one. Like I'm happy to create a different one. And like, I love being part of the queer community. Why? Cause it's challenging everything. And there are issues with conformity, but everyone's still like, show up as yourself. We want you to show up as yourself. And like, there are obviously issues within the queer community of showing up. Fully as yourself, et cetera. Yeah, of course. There are everywhere. And especially when you take the heteronormativity of it all, right? You're still always unpacking society, but there is much more activeness in the community of unpacking the society's issues, which I think is very powerful. And I think if more people were willing to challenge themselves and be willing to question themselves and say, why do I do this? Why do I feel this way? And be willing to dismantle their set of beliefs about themselves, about society, about others. And we'd have a much better life, you know, much better world. Yeah.
Rebecca Sigala:Preach. So true. I feel like we only scratched the surface of all the things that we could talk about. I'm like, Okay, do I go here? Do I go here? Like, what do we talk about? I absolutely love talking to you. And I think that a lot of people are going to really benefit from hearing this and hopefully starting to ask themselves questions so that they can have more connection with their body and a deeper relationship with themselves. And yeah, maybe like start to question some norms that we have in society. I'm curious for yourself. You have gone so far on your mental health journey, on your relationship with your body, and you're doing all these things, seems like probably way beyond boudoir, where you're like facing discomfort and you're healing and you're growing. Where do you feel like the next step is for you on your self love journey? Is there something that you're focusing on right
Sam-Jude:now? I'm like focusing and not focusing on it. I think part of it is letting people in like it's been a while but I think a lot of the processes sometimes with dealing with self love is again feeling that like oh I have to get to like an end point before I let someone in right and dealing with different letdowns different traumas you're always like well I have to show up perfectly in this situation and I think part of the process is realizing That there is no end game like you're constantly going to be evolving and you're constantly going to be processing and kind of being able to show up for yourself like part of self love is also realizing that you're worth your receiving love from someone else as you are where you are for however long that lasts. Like, I think part of that, like, toxicity that you come from in a community where they're like, you have to get married at 19, and this is how it is, and you're never getting divorced, and you're never this, and like, it's a one and only, and there was so much pressure. And I, when I went on a date, I was being my friend, she's like, it can just be a date at a coffee shop with a friend, like. It doesn't have to be anything else. You don't have to find your soulmate tomorrow. Like you can just go and meet yourself. Like you meet yourself in a different experience also when going in the process of meeting other people. So I definitely don't do it enough. And like, don't get me started on dating culture and apps and like garbage. Oh my God. So I think that's kind of this next step of like, when you show up for yourself, it's also realizing that you're worthy to put in the effort to be with someone else. And there is a power in being with someone else, however long that lasts and however you guys can show up for each other. So, right. I think
Rebecca Sigala:there's like this kind of feeling when you're on your healing journey that not that. Okay. You think it's going to end per se, but just like, you'll get to a certain point where like, your boundaries are amazing and your communication is amazing. And because you're at a certain level, you'll find someone else at that same level. And it's like a lot of perfectionism. I think that just like kind of comes into the picture instead of being like, actually the whole point of this is that I accept myself as I
Sam-Jude:am. Exactly. Same thing as showing up in the photo shoot imperfectly. It's like showing up everywhere else and allowing you to show up in that imperfect space. So yeah,
Rebecca Sigala:amazing. So beautiful. How can people find you? Because it's so incredible. And I have so much admiration for you for putting these things out online and not caring about the numbers and just like really wanting to express yourself and share your own art and experience. You're writing and help even just one person. So how can people find
Sam-Jude:you? So my website is just payable dreamer. com. There aren't so many like new and improved posts on there. It's been a little bit static. It's been a struggle with work this past year to kind of find a balance. I have a new email list where I'm trying to keep like. Writing things a little bit in a different style, but same messages. So you can find that on my Instagram. Everything is disabled dreamer. So it's disabled dreamer. com. It's disabled dreamer on Instagram. That Instagram also has like a Facebook page. So if you are still using Facebook, you are going to find me on there. Um, if
Rebecca Sigala:you're one of those, I'm
Sam-Jude:still, um, I like somewhat there, but I. I find the community that I have on Instagram much more, like, fulfilling, I think, to me, so I'm much more active on there, and I find it just to be less emotionally draining somehow than Facebook. And then on my Instagram, you can sign up for my mailing list, and I actually, hopefully, will have... An email going out soon about rest and like the power of like actually relaxing and taking a break Not having to like create through the break, you know I think there's so much of a process also in realizing like you don't have to be creating all the time Because I love creating but then you also are allowed to take a break and like allowed to recharge and stuff so that's kind of When I have a minute to breathe after this first couple weeks of school, then that's my plan for the latest.
Rebecca Sigala:How did we come to the point in our lives where like the resting is the hard thing? You know, I always think about that. I'm like, as a teenager, like did whatever party to hung out, just like chilled all the time. And all of a sudden, like as an adult, it's like way harder to just chill out and be present. And.
Sam-Jude:Rest. I think it's the same shame. It's the shame of not being in hustle culture and you're not creating and you're not on Forbes under 30 under 30 and you haven't achieved everything you're supposed to do in life before you're 30 years old. Yeah, exactly. And you haven't changed the world in some epic way that, you know, society has decided if you don't change the world in this epic way that everyone sees across the globe, then it's like, Not valuable. And it's a constant process to be like, nah, showing up in my circle for five people is definitely valuable. And yeah, or even just for myself. Yeah, exactly. yourself is valuable. And often has a huge impact and that impact will have, you know, a domino effect of impact. So, so
Rebecca Sigala:many gems in this conversation. Thank you so much for coming on and for talking to me. I had such a good time.
Sam-Jude:Oh, I had a blast. This made my week. Seriously. I posted this morning. week and I knew we were going to have a good conversation wherever it went and it gave me so much energy. So thank you. This is the best. Oh my gosh. We need to be in touch more often. We do. Yeah. We need to just send each other voice notes of like these deep thoughts that we have and go back and forth. You know what? I'm down. Let's do it. Yeah. Perfect. Awesome. Thank
Rebecca Sigala:you so much, Sam. You're amazing.